Monday, December 21, 2009

Back to blogging - It's a wonderful life

I like where life is right now. I don't like that when I am in a good place though, I seem to stop blogging, which leaves me with no record of my good times, so I will catch up a little.

I started a new job about three weeks ago which I love. It was meant to supplement my current job so that I could step down from a Management Position and focus on my life and the clients lives. The reality is that is my only job for the moment because the other company has not approved my transfer so I am super grateful it is working out so well. I am working a little too much. 72 hours of work this week alone, but come the first of the year and I should be working mostly regular hours.

I now live in Salt Lake around Redwood and N Temple. I am so glad to be out of Logan. I just didn't love being so far away with so little to do. I was so depressed, and while I still have rough days, there is now hope in my life.

I think I like working so much because I don't have to confront my loneliness. I am hoping to try to date more somehow. I just feel like I am one of those guys that no one may be into, but I am trying to change my attitude and things in my life so I am more appealing. Hopefully that goes well.

Sometimes I think it is Utah. So many pretty people, I think even guys in my league think they can get better, maybe I am one of those guys who is thinking guys that are out of my league are in my league. Maybe if there someday is a guy who likes me, he will tell me. Oh well, I have work and friends :)

Well, hopefully now that I have internet, I will be better at blogging. And keeping up with blogs.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

'Cause i know where i've been

As I was driving to the MoHo party last night, I drove past the apartment that I spent many evenings at. The apartment of the girl I thought I was going to Marry.

This began a period of reflection as I have looked about how much progress I really have made over the last couple of years. What a nice reflection to the normal frustrations of not always being where or what I want to be.

"There is a road we must travel."

I look at the path that is bringing me happiness. The first couple MoHo parties I went to stressed me out so much because I saw so many happy people and I was so confused still and wasn't sure I would ever be able to truly be me. Last night I had so much fun. I was 100% comfortable, and it was something that I liked.

"There's a promise we have to make"

I think I needed last night so for hope, so promise myself to continue to go forward. I am much of a person that believes we are the creator of our own happiness. Before my mission, I went to a meeting for the mission where I lived. One of the missionaries was in his last day in the field after two years serving. He said, with tears streaming down his face, "This is the best day of my mission." This mission president got up and stopped him, and explained how this Elder lived his mission and his life in this respect, making every day the best day, even in sadness or pain.

The promise I make to go forward is to live my life with hope and make every day the best day. "Worth the risk and the chances we will take."

As Miss Maybell sings in Hairspray,


There's a struggle 

That we have yet to win 
Use that pride 
In our hearts 
To lift us up 
Until tomorrow 

'Cause just to sit still 
Would be a sin 



Oh! When we win, 
I'll give thanks to my god 
'Cause i know where i've been

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46NdewMfHAw

Friday, November 27, 2009

What does the future hold?

So, one thing that always seemed to give me hope when I was 100% active in the church was the hope of finding a girl to have a family with then hopefully getting over my "SGA". Luckily, that never happened, because I am learning it is not that simple.

One of my friends said something to the effect of, you are only coming out so you are not alone.

The scary thing is that by coming out, I feel like in some ways, I have even more potential to be alone.

I just wish I was dating, or even could go on a real date. I wish that I was in a place where I could meet people in more natural settings. I am pretty sure I will be in Salt Lake for at least the next 5-8 years, so hopefully in that time I will find someone great.

I just don't know what the future will hold?

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Today, I am thankful for life

As good changes are coming, and happiness seems to be more tangible, I am so much more grateful for living.

I am grateful for people that are sad and feel alone, that they continue to live. When they do this, they are there for me, even when they do not know me.

I am so happy than in my lowest points, I still chose to live. I hope this will allow me to be there for others.

This Thanksgiving Season, I am most thankful for the life and lives of those around me.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Coming Home, 1 step backwards = two forward

So, wonderful news. I am moving back to Salt Lake after just about 2 months in Logan. Is anyone looking to rent out a room to me? :)

We here so often that sometimes we need to go in the wrong direction to find the right one and my move to Logan fulfilled that in every way.

I am grateful for the chance I had to take a moment away from life and craziness to find what I need to do.

Lessons learned?

1. Sometimes I get so caught up in helping everyone, I lose focus of what I really want to do.

2. I love my friends, and need to spend much more time with them.

3. Salary is not always a good thing. Actually is almost never a good thing in my history. I am looking forward to a job where I can simply be me, make a difference, and then go home. I got so stressed out the last few months, that I almost stopped functioning all together.

4. Trust myself. Moving to Logan was exactly what I needed. Moving back is also what I needed. Sometimes, I feel like doing crazy things. Most times, they are good for me.

5. Smile. There is so much to be happy for, that if your not, you will lose it. I am so happy I didn't lose my friends all together and I am so glad to some home to them.

So back I come, to my home, where my support is. Now just to find a room to rent.

Friday, November 13, 2009

More on equality

What if your biggest thing in life you worked for was a sticker.

I am at work and overhearing a conversation about how much this poor girl has to do to earn a freaking sticker. IT'S A STICKER!!!!!!!!!!!

People with disabilities are treated so unfair sometimes.

Maybe someday people of all abilities will have the chance for real hopes and dreams. Marriage, a career, friends, and family.

Maybe when the church compares gays to people with disabilities, they also feel like us working for a sticker should be good enough.


Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Equality and Understanding

So this is more of a two part post.

Equality


When I hear equality, I automatically think of rights going to LGBT individuals and couples. Obviously I see this as something very important in my life and my friends, but when the word seems to be coined to one group, it reminds me of what one of my straight guy friends says.

"I don't think it is fair that gays got the sole rights to the rainbow. I like rainbows, but if I use them, then people think I'm something I'm not [so no a direct quote, but you get the idea]."

So, my thought process is this...If when we work on equal rights for those who need them, we focus on everyone who deserve equal rights.

One example: Depression is a true illness proven time and time again. What if someone asked for some time off from work for depression? Especially if they asked for it because it was causing self harm and interfering with work. Well, I asked that question, and I was told that I would only be allowed to take off for medical appointments.

Let's say someone has a surgery and they are recovering. They could take an easy 6 weeks off with out a blink of the eye and most likely with out anyone asking for a doctors note.

What if they were told well, you could work, you would just have to be in severe pain while at work. You might not be able to perform as well, but we will just hold you accountable for that. Even, if they were told, being at work might slow your recovery, or possibly make it worse.

I feel like this is what I am being told. One of the supervisors I confided in yesterday said I was just using my depression and anxiety as an excuse.

I hope that the GLBT community not only works for their equal rights, but those in other categories experiencing the same denial of rights.

Understanding


So, one thing that I see also too often is when people understand something new, they want everyone else to understand it.

Example: LDS converts are known to make the best member missionaries. They have that "convert fire" to go out and tell all their friends and family, sometimes almost demanding they understand the truth.

I right now and understanding how someone with the medical condition of depression can sometimes be treated unfair.

We as a MOHO community filled with many recently out Mormons understand that rights are not equal and that needs to change. We understand God's love for us for who we are, not what a culture wants us to be. I think because we understand it, we want to hurry and help everyone else understand it quickly and than accept us.

For myself, I am realizing this doesn't always happen. I had 13 years to understand it, and come to my conclusions. These conclusions I came to mostly because they were so close to home. For me to expect someone else to have my same understanding would be unfair.

I am just grateful when people try to understand and love me. Hopefully with in another 13 years the people closest to me will all get it, but I will be patient.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Thanks everyone!

Thanks for everyone's comments on my last post. It was nice to get little laughs through out the day. Today was a stressful day (like the next couple weeks most likely will), but it's nice to have positive funny people in my life to make things okay!

Thank you, thank you.

Funny Apartment Post: You, me, and us?

I found this a while back, and still laugh...REAL AD FROM CRAIGSLIST.



25 year old LDS Male looking for someone to take my roommates place. 1 Bedroom apartment. Bedroom has a bunkbed in it. Fully furnished with the exception of you will need a dressor and possibly a twin mattress.
$275.00 is the monthly rent. It includes electricity, water, heat/ac etc. Cable and internet is about $30.00.

Me: 25 year old white active LDS guy. No Drugs. No Smoking, No Drinking. I keep LDS standards. I work and go to school. I have a car. Temple worthy.

You: Be under 30. Be active LDS. Keep LDS standards. Be easy to get along with. Need to want to be a friend to your roommate. I like being close to who I live with. Preferred to be temple worthy so we can go to temple together.

Us: We need to get along. We should be able to hangout and be able to have each others friends over to the place. I am far away from home so I do not have a lot of friends here or anyone to be close to. I like to sit on the couch and cuddle with a guy friend with my arm around him. This is not gay, I think its brotherly. You must be willing to do it. I also do not mind giving back rubs etc. I think that is brotherly too. I also am not personal, if you happen to be in the bedroom and I need to change clothes well I will change in front of you.
Any questions? email me :)

Sunday, November 8, 2009

November's theme: For real this time...A trip down memory lane...


Teen Files 15 Minute Preview from Rodrigo Torres on Vimeo.

So, a huge part of me from my glory days, that I am trying to bring back, is the philosophy of Challenge Day. One of the most amazing programs that I have ever been a part of.

The basic program takes 100 high school students, from all different backgrounds and cliques, puts them in the gym, and runs them through activities and games to help them get comfortable with one and other. Then the students get in groups and start talking with guided questions. Every time people end up sharing parts of their past and their secrets with virtual strangers, sometimes with people whom they hated just the day before.

The result for the people in the room is that they treat those differently when seeing that everyone has a past. Knowing that even someone who seems to do things so mean, can be in as much pain as they are causing. Understanding that we all have similarities, we can all share something and move forward as friends.

With the marriage debate, I think this is something for everyone to think about. Many LGBT Americans are worried about their rights to express love and be treated equally. This is very logical to most of those who read this. What are the other people thinking? I think some straight couples are afraid in many of the same ways we are. They may be afraid of losing the structure of family they know and love. They may be afraid that if they support something outside of the realms of what they are taught in church, that God may punish them or deny them blessings (sounds similar to what kept me in the closet for years).

If we wanted to be treated right, then we need to treat the people we understand the least right. We need to love people and find where they are coming from and give them the chance to know us. When we become mean, or hateful, or lose the love in the battle, then we may indeed not deserve the rights we want so bad.

Please if you have 15 minutes, view the above website. Also feel free to visit www.challengeday.org. Let us all try to understand each other, even in weakness.

November's Theme: A dark secret

So I was pondering the last week trying to find a dark secret. I feel like since coming out, my life is mostly secret free (except for maybe a crush here or there). Then last night happened. Something that normally I would have locked away deep with in my soul so that no would know.

I watched the new G.I. JOE movie. And...I liked it.

Please don't tell... ;)

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Gay Friendships

One thing I have never been amazing at is meeting new people. Most of my friends I know from work, one or two from school, and any others from the miracle that these people reached out in a big way to me.


So now I am doing the gay thing, I want gay friends. I love my straight friends, but just want even one or two gay friends I could go and hang out with or talk to on the phone to relate to.


I don't feel comfortable in groups of strangers, so I ask myself, how am I going to ever meet some gay friends.


Maybe there are people out there who look at me as their gay friend. Maybe I am just blind to it all.


Oh well, at least I have cool blogs to read, and great online support, plus my straight friends.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Not fair...

As I posted in October, I tried to come out to my mom, and she was less than willing to listen.

Today she called and told me how life was so hard, I asked her why.

She said a light bulb went out and she is not tall enough to change it. Then she told me how she cried for a long time after that.

Really mom, a light bulb? That is much harder to deal with than being gay. Oh well.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Halloween - Sooo GOOD


So anyone at the MoHo Party knows that this is exactly how I looked on Halloween...Right?

So this weekend was amazing. It started with Judge Memorial's performance of RENT. It was pretty dang great for a high school and to the staff the fought to allow a Catholic School be able to perform it, well done.

Then dinner with some great friends at Chili's. It was pretty fun especially because I felt like my gay and straight life collided in a good way.

I spent the night at a friends house that was relaxing then the next day off to Lagoon with a best friend and some kids with Autism that I love.

Some random hangout time then off to the MoHo party. I had a straight friend come with me and she was a huge support and it made it that much more fun. It was good to stay for the whole thing, and I am so grateful to the all the guys who came up and said hi. It was also a blast to see some friends from past parties.

Then out for a little while to my first Gay Club experience. Not my favorite, but it was still a great experience. Especially hanging out with a great old friend and a brand new one.

I stayed the night with an amazing family and then back home today. Really the best weekend in so so long.

Thank you to everyone for being so great to me!!!

Friday, October 30, 2009

Halloween...Reclaiming what is mine

So, when I was a kid, Halloween was my absolute favorite holiday. I loved to be free to let loose and be pretend to be someone I'm not for a day. Over the years, things change, and I became so weird about Halloween. I never felt like I could find a costume that would be okay, and when I would dress up I was so self conscious. 

Now, I feel like I am really on the right track in my life, because I am wearing the most ridiculous costume ever, but it is what I want to be, and I am having so much fun with it.

The last few weeks have been rough, but the night is always darkest before the dawn. When I am doing what I am supposed to do, things get really crazy, almost like there is an adversary trying to prevent me from grasping happiness. In the end though, happiness is waiting.

Well, it may seem small, but the fact I like Halloween this year is huge, so Happy Halloween to everyone. I hope it is good for us all.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Coming out to my mom?

Not yet.

I am an only child, and had lots of time with my mom in California over the last week. I tried to pave the way to tell her. Here are bits of our conversation:

me: Hey mom, I have started seeing a therapist again.

mom: (long pause then) don't the flowers look good I planted?

me: (sigh) yeah mom, great

next day

me: I am really starting to find my path, I am looking forward to things changing.

mom: (another long pause) what should we do for dinner?


Well, I guess sometimes I forget that me and my mom are not real close, but at least I have good friends. Thanks to all the good people on here.

He likes me?

I have had all these ideas and great thoughts come while I was out of town, now it is catch up time...


Yes, He likes me, but no I am not talking about some guy I am into, I am talking about the Savior.

I was talking with my faux mom while in California and we were talking about some of my struggles. She reminded me that Jesus does love me, which to be honest kind of has lost some effect over the years when I hear it, but then she said "He also likes you too". This meant so much more. And it feel true. I am really glad he likes me, even though I may not be perfect.

Another thing on that note. I was talking to a man very close to me. He is married to a woman who is not so nice to him. He has really lost his way and I began to tell him a little bit more about my story so we would have some common ground of not knowing where to go. Then when we both felt broken and beat as far as we felt we could take, I then understood, this is where the atonement comes to play. Things then got much better.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Rain

So I am sitting in my in a classroom waiting for my newest class to begin. It is so peaceful to look out see the clouds and rain. Life has been so crazy and stressful, but between amazing weather and great people in the blogging world, I have a lot to be thankful for. When thinking about that I read Evan's blog and watched the video he posted.  Over all a good day to ponder and just to be at peace. Thanks Everyone :)


I just took this, not the best picture, but now you can see what I see.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

"It's Your kindness Lord, That leads us to repentance"

So, I was listening to my Jars of Clay Pandora station today because I have a hidden love for Christian Music. One song came on that really hit me. It is called "Kindness", by Chris Tomlin. One part really hit me while listening...

Open up the skies of mercy
And rain down the cleansing flood
Healing waters rise around us
Hear our cries Lord let 'em rise
Open up the skies of mercy
And rain down the cleansing flood
Healing waters rise around us
Hear our cries Lord let 'em rise

It's Your kindness Lord
That leads us to repentance
Your favor Lord, is our desire
It's Your beauty Lord
That makes us stand in silence
Your love
Your love
Is better than life

We can feel
Your mercy falling
You are turnin our hearts back again
Hear our praises rise to heaven
Draw us near Lord
Meet us here
 Am I sounding a little too Southern Baptist? Well, sometimes, I think other Church's have the love of God thing better down than we do. It really does make me repent more long term when I feel God's love rather than the fear of losing my temple recommend or the oppurtunity to partake of the sacrament to renew my covenants. I do understand the principle of worthiness and support it, but at the same time, I wish we were more focused on feeling God's love no matter what and I think we would change for the right reasons.

I have a friend from work and she is not LDS but "loves Jesus". This girl is so loving even though her road has been rough. She always is there to love everyone and will give the best counsel. I was stressed about money and she said, "Chris, trust God with your money, and everything will work out". This made such an impact versus the normal, "Are you paying your tithing" comment I have received before. They both mean kind of the same thing, but one is about love and the other about simple obedience.

I join with my loving Coworker and say, "I love Jesus, and want to be the best me, for Him."

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

65 questions...Why not?

1. First thing you wash in the shower?
My hair

2. What color is your favorite hoodie?
Red

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Maybe...Who knows?

4. Do you plan outfits every day?
About 30 seconds before I get dressed.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
Annoyed with my friend on the phone that doesn't get why I want someone to love...ugh.

6. What’s the closest thing to you that's red?
My phone

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
Last night I had som many dreams about work. Both girls I work with in my dream were complaining that I "liked" them and trying to get me fired for it. I then told them I am gay and they wanted me to give them fashion advice.

8. Did you meet anybody new today?
Not today.

9. What are you craving right now?
Peace.

10. Do you floss?
Yes, a few times a week, I need to be better.

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
St Patrick's Day

12. Are you emotional?
Yes, I wear them on my sleeve

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000?
Yes

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
Bite? Really who does that, I just lick it.

15. Do you like your hair?
What's left of it :)

16. Do you like yourself?
I love about half of me.

17. Would you go out to eat with George Bush?
Yes, then if it was at his house, I could go visit my mission.


18. What are you listening to right now?
Wicked

19. Are your parents strict?
Nope, I was strict on them.

20. Would you go sky diving?
Um, with much hesitation and fear, but yes...maybe.

21. Do you like cottage cheese?
Not one bit.

22. Have you ever met a celebrity?
Yes, when I worked out Cold Stone I made ice cream for Jewel and Marie Osmond


23. Do you rent movies often?
I sometimes do redbox, but then get screwed over when I forget to return it.

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in?
Nope

25. How many countries have you visited?
3 (here in the USA, Mexico, and Texas)

26. Have you made a prank phone call?
 Just to coworkers

27. Ever been on a train?
Yes.  All the time growing up when I would visit family
 
28. Brown or white eggs?
White

29. Do you have a cell-phone?
Yes, I use like 6,000 minutes a month I wish it would go away :)

30. Do you use chap stick?
On Occasion

31. Do you own a gun?
My Grandfathers...never used it, but have it

32. Can you use chop sticks?
yep

33. Who are you going to be with tonight?
I wish with Glee, but that will be tomorrow on Hulu. I will just be with my computer watching Heroes to catch up.
34. Are you too forgiving?
Not sure anyone can be too forgiving, but if so, maybe.

35. Ever been in love?
Sadly not yet

36. What is your best friend(s) doing tomorrow?
Which one?

37. Ever have cream puffs?
yes...yuck

38. Last time you cried?
At the last brothers and sisters....Sad, but true
39. What was the last question you asked?
Can you print this for me...My mac wont work with my work printer.

40. Favorite time of the year?
Fall

41. Do you have any tattoos?
Soon I hope

42. Are you sarcastic?
Very much so

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
Yes


44. Ever walked into a wall?
When play racket ball, I ran full on into it, I had only played tennis before. Ouch

45. Favorite color?
Blue

46. Have you ever slapped someone?
No

47. Is your hair curly?
Nope

48. What was the last CD you bought?
Blink's Greatest Hits

49. Do looks matter?
Yes, but only so much. If I weighed 400 pounds would you take me seriously?

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater?
Well if they are a regular cheater...no

51. Is your phone bill sky high?
not too bad for how much i talk

52. Do you like your life right now?
See blog...Sometimes everything is not okay
53. Do you sleep with the TV on?
no

54. Can you handle the truth?
I can, but sometimes it can sting a little

55. Do you have good vision?
Very farsided
56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
no

57. How often do you talk on the phone?
All the time


59. What are you wearing?
Long sleeved polo, brown and white, and jeans

60.What is your favorite animal?
Elephant, at least as a kid it was 

61. Where was your default picture taken at?
A bees game

62. Can you hula hoop?
not well

63. Do you have a job?
I do, working with people with disabilities

64. What was the most recent thing you bought?
Lunch

65. Have you ever crawled through a window?
Many times

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Letter to President Monson

So, I have talked a bit to Cadence about the idea of writing church leadership to express my thoughts. Has anyone ever done this? Here is a draft of the letter I am thinking about writing... What do you think? It is a rough draft written late at night, so please forgive any typos...


Dear President Monson,
 
I know that I am supposed to work with through local leaders but sadly they have sent me from Bishop to Bishop when I disclose that I am gay and want to come back. It as though I have a deadly disease and they are terrified that I might spread it though out the ward so they pawn me off to the next, or show no interest in me building a relationship with my God, but simply want to refer me to LDS Family services where I might be fixed.
 
When you were called and sustained to lead the Church of Jesus Christ, my institute teacher, helping us to understand God’s will shared many stories of how you of all of Christ’s disciples truly administer one by one. It is because of this that I petition you for help and guidance. I ask not only for myself, but also for the thousands of others around the world in similar shoes.
 
My brothers and sisters around and including me, that are at what seems to be their very nature, are attracted to people of the same gender, are struggling with strict what not to dos, but very little what to dos. We are told to strictly obey the law of chastity, to live the gospel, not to get married unless we can feel an honest attraction to that member of the opposite sex, and to serve, but that is hard is the church is build around families.
 
What am I to do to feel worthwhile in the church when almost every talk I hear refers to being a good father or finding my eternal companion? Where do I fit in? How do I cope with the feelings of wanting to love someone and knowing that will never happen because the body I am in only will love a man?
 
I am left to know I will never be married, I will not be able to serve a senior mission, I will not be able to be a temple worker past the age of thirty, I will not be able to teach seminary or institute as a single man. I will always be looked at by church members as the weird guy who is single and will not date for unknown reasons. I do know that God restored His Church to be hospital to those who are sick and I am very spiritually ill when I ponder my path. While trying to live the Gospel and be active I am feel almost constant thoughts of ending my life because I cannot be what my leaders want me to be.
 
I know the Lord loves all of His Children and He has a plan for us, so Please President Monson, help us to know what that is, and how we are to survive.
 
With Gratitude and Love,
Chris


Friday, October 9, 2009

Therapy Session 1:

I hear for most people the first few sessions of therapy are mostly bland with no major progress. For me the hour went quickly by establishing who I am and where I come from. It is very clear I am one troubled individual :)

So at the very end he asked me "if you could wake up tomorrow and have things exactly how you would want them, how would that look, feel, and be"?

This was the question that gave me the most anxiety for the following reasons:

If I am allowed to wake up to anything, that means, I wake up to the man of my dreams. The hard part about that is how exactly do I feel about that.

Do I really believe that will happen?

If it did happen what about church?

Am I good enough for that to happen?

All the crazy thoughts about it, but a good question I look forward to finding the answers to.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Sometimes everything is not okay

I have had some very humbling experiences lately. I sometimes feel like I have accomplished a lot in my little life and try to look at myself as very put together and whole.

These last 2 weeks have shown the tip to a very large Iceberg of problems. I am learning that the codependency, depression, and anxiety that has on and off again ruled my life, the problems I thought I had overcome, are now returning in full force.

Not to complain, but to be open and honest with myself, I admit that there has not been more than a few minutes these last few weeks that I was not ready for everything to be over. Working in the human services field, it hit me today that if someone told me that they are feeling what I am feeling, I would suggest serious consideration of a inpatient program with constant supervision.

I like to pretend like my depression doesn't effect my life, but somehow I was able to open my eyes and allow myself to have perspective, I can see myself sucking at the job I love, destroying my virtue, and even failing at simple things like being able to enjoy the MoHo party which was the only the thing I really looked forward to in September.  I left early because I felt so sick inside and was just done with life. I missed the chance to meet more new people, to reconnect with someone worth while, and then off to sit alone in my room.

It is weird how things have happened. I feel like the last couple weeks I have read so many blogs about people feeling the same way. I was so deep in my crap I couldn't even see I was right there. I wonder if it wasn't for their honesty if I would have found my own.

Good news is, I opted to find a therapist today. Are things okay? Right now, nope, but hopefully they will be.

Again, my goal is not to complain, but to be honest as to where I am for me. Please don't worry about me.

One thing that always takes me back is Adam's Song by Blink 182. I hope to regain the vision of the close of the song

I never thought I'd die alone
I laughed the loudest who'd have known
I traced the cord back to the wall
No wonder it was never plugged in at all
I took my time, I hurried up
The choice was mine, I didn't think enough
I'm too depressed, to go on
You'll be sorry when I'm gone

I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over we'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

I never thought I'd die alone
Another six months I'll be unknown
Give all my things to all my friends
You'll never set foot in my room again
You'll close it off, board it up
Remember the time that I spilled the cup
Of apple juice in the hall
Please tell mom this is not her fault

I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over we'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

I never conquered, rarely came
Tomorrow holds such better days
Days when I can still feel alive
When I can't wait to get outside
The world is wide, the time goes by
The tour is over, I'd survived
I can't wait till I get home
To pass the time in my room alone

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

falling back into the closet...NOOOO!!!

Well I have arrived up here in Logan. Everyone I work with is soooo LDS, like the kind that at work will ask you if your active, how your dating life is, and look at you funny when you drink Dr Pepper.

I work with people with disabilities and many of my clients even give me the tough questions..."Do you do your home teaching", and, "when we go volunteer at the Bishop's Storehouse, you will need to know your new ward and stake info".

I feel like I have no friends here at all, which is partly relaxing, but just makes it hard to be the real me in person. My "best friend" here is my Admin Assistant, a young married girl that I don't even know her last name.

I am really afraid that all the work of coming out will be wasted if I don't continue. I ask myself now will people accept me for who I am knowing I am gay upfront. Most people in my life had known me for a long period of time before I came out. Maybe it is okay that no one knows for now?

Thursday, September 24, 2009

when a butterfly flaps its wings

I have often thought about this idea in a much larger context than my life.


I saw a picture of a butterfly today and really wondered what the flapping of my wings might mean to my future and that of those around me.

So far it had meant real happiness in my life. I finally took a position that was really just about me. It is less work, away from the people I would seek approval from in the past, in an area that will allow for personal time. This is huge for me considering that the first word most people would use to describe me would be a workaholic.

People around me have told me that my coming out to them increased their conversations about the subject and they have become larger advocates to the cause now having more insight and knowledge.

Through the blogging world, I see people that in months go from being closeted to being leaders of a group longing for help and direction.

What will be the effect of your wings?

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Spirituality Part 3: Being Mormon

This post is in many ways the reason for this strand of posts.


Where do I and the church stand?

One of my questions when pondering the truth of the church as an investigator was:

What about the billions of people who know not the truthfulness of the Gospel, are they just screwed?

Of course we know that according to the LDS Gospel, God has a plan for all His children, and each plan looks different. Most people will not fit the Utah Mormon mold. Only the smallest percentage of people fit into that mold, but yet we know God loves everyone. I remember learning that it might even be possible for Hitler to enter into God's Kingdom after repentance and accepting the Gospel.

Now my thought is if we think God will only have a place for the 1,559,761 Utah Mormons who think they have it perfect out of his 6,781,243,583 living children on the earth right now, our vision is narrow.

We must consider how God works, and allow him to work on us the same way we testify he works through out the world.

I think the atonement will allow for me to be perfect by being what God has made me. His son. His gay son.

So where do I fit in with the church? I will use it to help me to grow closer to God, to gain a better understanding of the Savior, and to serve.

I need to understand, just as I have imperfections, everyone else does too. It is okay that imperfect local leaders may not understand me, or agree with me, but do I go to church to please them or Him?

So what does being Mormon mean to me? It is just a tool for me to use to fulfill my commandments and build a better relationship with God.

So this is where I stand spiritually now, it will be interesting to take this little self evaluation in a year and see where I grow and what I might forget. But either way, this is a good start.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Spirituality Part 2: The Commandments

There was a time in my life before really understanding God that I thought there were just 10 comandments. I know in reality there are most likely more than I count, but the fact is we can only do the best we can and there is no way in this life we can follow them all, so here are my top ten as far as priority for me.

1. On one occasion an inquiring lawyer came to the Savior and asked, “Master, which is the great commandment in the law?” The Savior responded, “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment."

 I feel like this is one that I am still sticking to. I feel like I could never deny my God and never not love him. But I do believe I can love him more. Recently as I have been feeling more Christ focused, I have become very bothered by people using the Lord's name in vain. I get why they are doing it, and I think He loves us enough to take our frustrations, but it makes me sad the people doing it are not feeling His love. I just want them to know he loves them for who they are, what he created, just like he loves me.

2. "And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.”

This has been a challenge. I kind of got tired of "service". Doing things because my work or church assignments told me I had to. It is so nice to look at things for what they are. Love as thyself? Maybe that's why I struggled. I didn't love myself, so how could I love others? Now that I do, it has been so nice to look at people knowing the potential and worth I have and trying to be there for others with true honest love.

3. Not being a slut

I think the scary thing for a lot of people when they think of gay guys is there is no woman to slow things down from going too fast. Some of my personal rules for dating now are not meeting people from online dating sites. And I think as I focus on a relationship that I want to be lasting everything will work out okay.

4. No Drinking

For me, I know that I cannot drink. I really do like much of the word of wisdom. I know, being the only sober person in my family, that if I were to drink, life would be over.

5. Pray Often

I feel like I always carry a prayer in my heart, listening for what feels right, but when I actually go in humility to my Father, my life really changes.

6. Ponder

I really like being too busy. I know, this sounds weird, but I do. Just being busy allows me the to not think about the world and my problems. One way that I can be more spiritual is by not talking and not being around people talking all the time. Some of the most amazing moments in my life have been in the mountains listening to music. Allowing my self time to think brings peace and clarity.

7. Gather with good people

I am finally starting to get the urge to attend Sunday meetings, but for now I need to be around good people. I am thankful for MoHo parties because they give me a chance to meet new people. I guess when I blog and read blogs, I am in many ways gathering with good people.

8. Do no harm

When finding solutions to problems, it is always good to ask if the solution is better than leaving the problem alone. Sometimes I can be very intense and want to be everyone's everything. I am learning that I cannot, so when I think I am helping, I end up letting people down. I need to only offer to do what I can do.

9. Be Positive

Being positive is one of the best things for my relationship with self, others, and God. There is always good around, sometimes you just have to block out the bad to see it.

10. Be an example

I think in this new age of Gay Mormons, we may as a group have the opportunity to change the way "Gay" and "Mormon" fit together forever. I always must make sure that anyone who knows I am both also knows me as someone of character, virtue, and someone close to God. With out this, I will never have respect.  

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Spirituality: Part 1:Relationship with God

So to make a long story short, me choosing to be gay took me away from my spirituality. This series of blogs is my journal of finding out where God and religion fit into my life as I define it for me.

Relationship with God:

Who is God? One thing that I never got about some Christian churches was the whole God and Jesus Christ, one or two people thing. I was an Atheist until I turned 16, but I had been read bible stories by some family members as a kid.  It always seemed logical from the stories and what I knew that they were separate people. Then as religion became more of a topic I would ask and people gave me weird answers, like, you know, "I'm not sure, they are kind of one, but kind of two". I thought, really, you go to church every week and you don't know. When I took the discussions, when I learned about God and Jesus being separate beings and working together it just made perfect sense. So when thinking about my relationship with God, I speak of my Heavenly Father, who I can communicate through because of the Atonement. This is still very real in my life.

How God speaks to me? He speaks to me through peaceful feelings. Also, through long suffering. When I can endure something, I know it is from the top. This like many will say it is hard to explain, but I feel like I almost always know when I am doing what I should be doing, and then the times I am not.

How does God feel about me? I know that he loves me. everything points to it. How any church or Christ following person could say otherwise is beyond me.

What God would tell me? He told me to join the LDS church and with that moment confirmed his existence and love for me as an individual. He told me to go on a mission, than told me it was time to come home early. He has helped with times when I needed to relocate and times when I needed to focus things in my life. With His ability to tell me all these things, it is logical when he told me I am free to be gay in the very same ways, it is from Him. I know that God has general ideas that work for the masses, but I know how much he loves me and has an individualized plan, just for me, to obtain happiness. It may not fit the mold, but how many things do fit the mold in the church or his workings. God is the master behind miracles, and I will not be one to limit Him to what He would or would not tell me. So I listen, and try to follow. And when I stray, I try to correct. That's all I can do, and in the day of judgment, I believe we will open His arms with love towards me, and I hope to rest in comfort knowing I am His son, gay and all.

The calm after the storm...

Life has been so crazy with work, coming out, crazy friends, and really everything. I feel oddly calm today. When I felt this calm, I was worried it was the calm before the storm. I am hoping for this to be the calm after the storm. The Logan move starts Wednesday and finishes next week. Then the insanity needs to be over either way.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Melt down moment...

So I was thinking about my blog and how when some people started to read it, I stopped writing it solely for me. I intentionally kept it to myself for months. But then started reading other blogs and sharing mine when it was right. From then on I wrote knowing others would be reading it and in some ways wrote more for a reader and less for me. This morning, I felt as though I should just delete it all, but giving it a day to think about, that would be dumb.

From now on I write for me. I do love the idea of people helping me on my journey, but to really benefit from this great community I have to not worry about what people think, and just throw it out there.

One person that didn't know me summarized me from reading my blog as someone who is very confused. My blog is the one place I don't have to have all the answers and I can be uncertain.

In the real world people know me as someone very put together, and at work in my job I can show no weakness, so it feels good to allow myself to lay out my thoughts to real people who I am not accountable to.

Thanks everyone for encouraging me, for trying to understand me, and help me on this crazy journey. Maybe I am still finding me, but how great is the fact I am looking. Now...I get to go back to blogging for me :)

Saturday, September 12, 2009

How do I come out to:

So I need some help and ideas on who to come out to and how...




I have seen some wonderful letter that people have sent to their parents and posted on facebook, but I feel things are a little bit different for me. I have many families I work with on my facebook page. I work with kids with disabilities and in a very conservative world, would rather these families don't know. Also, I am a believer that me being gay is not something the whole world needs to know. The last weird factor is I am the only member of the church in my family. There are days where I think my mom would rather I be gay then Mormon, so telling her would mean a really complex conversation that I don't feel close enough with her to share.



Who have I told? Some of my closest friends, my liberal friends, a few close coworkers, and my lesbian cousin. Who do I still want to know?



• Some of my old and current best friends that I think might judge me? Some are guys that I am really close with and don't want them to think that because I am gay that it means I want their body. Other friends are those from the mission or that know me as an all star Mormon. I am afraid that they only see me as a specific person and if I tell them something other, they will not want to be in my life...Which I know I should not let bother me, but it does.

• One very big category is my Mormon Mom's. These are the people who have "adopted" me and claim I am a part of their family. This is the scariest. I feel so close to these couple women that I really feel they would have no place for me if they knew I wasn't 100% active. I talk to these women less now than in years past, and they do live in California, so I guess they do not need to know. I would just hate for them to find out from someone else.

• I also would like to know how out I should be at work...Enough said

• And then my real mom. I expressed my thoughts of why I am not telling, but when do I tell her and then how. How do I explain why I Mormon, then Gay?

Any thoughts will be appreciated, it is good just to start thinking about it :)

Sunday, September 6, 2009

So I must be gay

If I like Glee this much already!

Am I really Gay?

So my best friend called me out over the last few days...He claims I am not really "gay".

Why this topic would even arise?

We were talking about what we would do for someone we were physically attracted to. Many straight and gay men would do a lot for someone they attracted to get something in return. I on the other hand need a lot from someone to be even physically attracted to them. You could line up 100 guys that I had never met, and I could easily rate them based on looks. Some I would simply never be interested in, some, just by their looks, I would want to get to know because it would look like there is something more to them, and some I might think they are so far out of my zone that I would never even think of them on the attraction scale.

Another awkward moment with all this...A guy I have chatted with over the last few months texted me again. We started to rekindle a possible relationship, and then BAM, I remembered where the original problem came into play. He started sending me pictures of himself. He is a very good looking guy, but for whatever reason it bugs me. He then wants pictures of me, which I have sent (all with clothes on, don't worry :)). I just hate that I am not interested in the picture exchange at all, and this is huge for him. Am I really just not sexual at all and really want just friends... Not sure that is it either.

So why is there no guy that just equals instant attraction for me? When someone falls into the I want to get know them category, they have the most potential to be extremely attractive.

I told my friend that I wish I could just be like the majority of guys, and he then said I would be shallow. I guess I am not the average guy, and that's okay. Just one more part of my sexuality that I do not get. Good news it that I won't have a super strong desire to pursue someone just for their amazing bod... bad news... Well, I guess we can skip that bad news and hope for the best.

I am happy for my blog because I don't have to have answers, but at least I can talk it out.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Question - Request for help

Sometimes I get a little crazy with my ideas... So as my last post said, I am moving to Logan. The bad part is, I don't know the area at all. If anyone knows of any rooms for rent up there, could you let me know :)

Thanks!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Moving to Logan



So I like to go against what people want for me I guess. I posted my silly poll of where to go and not a single person (out of the like 3 that took it) wanted me to go to Logan, so off I go to Logan. I will be transferring there so I will have the same job title and pay with less work. 

I look forward to it being a time where I can recharge and become more of a whole person. Take some time for me. Go hiking, meet new people, and enjoy the beauty around.

I will still be coming down to Salt Lake for a couple nights each week. Life should be a new adventure!

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Social Gatherings

Going to parties has always been hard for me. I am always kinda like...give me something to do or a role and I am happy. Going just to meet people just seems so awkward. Maybe because I am always afraid of talking to guys because they might think I am gay. Well, now that I don't care it feels so much more freeing to meet people as me. The who me. I look so forward to more great parties like tonight where I can meet some great new friends. Thanks to all the nice people who introduced themselves to me. Happy Sunday to Everyone...Enjoy!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

"I have a dream"

So Scott's last post has made me think a lot. I even had a very open conversation with a very straight friend on the subject which seemed to apply to her just as much if not more to her than me.

While reading comments and thinking, I keep feeling this parallel to the Priesthood revelation. I do know these are very separate issues, but I still can't get it out of my head.  If people didn't talk about equal rights no matter the color of their skin would the world have been prepared for that revelation?

Ghandi taught that we mus be the change we want to see in the world.

If we receive personal revelation that effects how we are to live our lives, then I feel like we can explain that to someone trying to understand our choices. Like on a blog.

If we want the world to be a better place, we must be agents of change.

Sometimes it is saying what we least want to say, doing what we least want to do, what people least want to hear or see us do, that is the most right thing. When we do what we know is right.

"An individual who breaks a law that conscience tells him is unjust, and who willingly accepts the penalty of imprisonment in order to arouse the conscience of the community over its injustice, is in reality expressing the highest respect for the law. "
Martin Luther King, Jr.

I cannot help but think what a change Scott is causing throughout the world through his honesty. He is not telling the world what is right or wrong, but posing his views. This challenges those to ponder, read, and pray. Going to God, and to reason, and to truth. This to find out what is right for them.  

Just as MLK had a dream, so do I. My dream is that people may feel love in their life. That they may know of God's unconditional love for them. I dream that people who are attracted to people of the same sex or the opposite sex may find true love. Free from lies, abuse, and obligation, but full of peace, joy, and goodness.  The world that I hope for and see is one where people would choose life over death and know of their individual greatness.

If we would all dream a bit more and allow for our truths to be heard, I know the world would much more quickly become a better place. Thanks to everyone who has the courage to do this...You are my examples and heroes!

 

Monday, August 24, 2009

Loganside

Last night I was able to attend the Loganside. The experience there was a bit stressful because I got a phone call that was a work emergency about 45 minutes before it was over so I sat in stress wondering what the details were. I couldn't leave because it was very packed and I didn't want to be rude. So that being said, I will comment on the experience before and after. 
The drive.
I was undecided to go or not until the very last minute and booked it up there. I think I knew I need the drive more than the fireside. I put on some Wicked, and was off. As I drove through the canyon, I was over taken by beauty. The rain clouds around with rays of light shining through with so much color. It was simply amazing.
I have kind of had my mind on moving to Logan for whatever reason. This made me want to even more. 
The coolest part as I drove in was that "One Short Day" came on. It was the perfect song...
BOTH:
And I think we've found the place where we belong!



ELPHABA:
So I'll be back for good someday

BOTH:
To make my life and make my way
But for today, we'll wander and enjoy:
Now about the people at the fireside...Ready to see Mr. Judgmental come out...
They were all really cool. Every one said hi, and welcomed me. It is a great group of people. I am not sure the fireside format is right for me right now, but heck, it is great to be with good people.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Fireworks


One of my very favorite things is fireworks. They give me hope. Last night I went to the Bee's game with a friend and were able to go down to the field to watch a great firework show, after a somewhat boring game.

In between flaming ash falling from the sky, I had time to ponder. What would it be like to have someone at my side to watch a firework show that I really love. I always thought if I were to propose to someone, it would be at SeaWorld San Diego. They have a skyride that sails across Mission Bay, and if you time it right, you can float over the water watching the beautiful explosions being shot of from the bay...just you and that someone you love. It would be at the special moment that I would pop the question. So ever since I have thought that, I always become the dreamer when fireworks go off. I love to dream, and hope, and work for the best. Here is hoping the next firework show I go to is with someone I love, or like, who knows... Maybe a 2nd crush that will last more than 2 days :)

Saturday, August 22, 2009

my gay transistion

Well it's so far been a fun ride finding me, especially over the last 6 months, but I was reflecting on where I have been and thought it would be fun to kinda journal major steps in my journey so far.

13 - I realized I like boys. I found my step sister's stash of x rated movies and after a few views found that I could care less about what the girls looked like, but the boys sure caught my attention.

13-16 - The most time I  spent any family around this time was my Lesbian Causin. She was my hero, not because she was gay, but because she was cool. I would go stay with her and her lover and learned a lot about being gay (at least a lesbian, which is different f course). I never told her I was gay until a couple months ago, and it sounds like she always had her thoughts I might be. 

I was also a peer counselor at this time and worked with kids that were gay, helping them to come out, but never felt like it was the time for me. I so wanted a family. I was an atheist at the time, so there was no wrath of God coming down on gays fear, but it just wasn't the time for me.

16 - My best friend after 2 years of trying to get me to take the missionary discussions, finally succeeded. I really felt a connection with God, and I still feel like joining the church was the right thing to do.  I did at the time feel like this would cure me, and as I lived faithful would fall in love with a woman and get married and have kids.

17 - I graduated high school early and worked at a theme park. I was kinda feeling down about the church a bit because I was the only member in my family and out of high school, and feeling like I needed a change. So this dude (one of those artist guys who draws you into a cartoon) at my work, this theme park, asked me what time it was, leading to a him drawing me, asking me when I knew I was gay? This was so strange because NO ONE had ever even alluded to that before and I am not girly, but that conversation ended me up at his house with an experience making me wish even more that I was not gay.

I ended up working with my bishop and a LDS Family Services Counselor and went on my mission at 19.

19-24 I did the best I could to be the most active I could, sometimes church was constant and I served in callings like the ward clerk and a member of a branch presidency, even a temple ordinance worker, and sometimes, because of work, I would go less often. Overall, I tried...But as the years went by, the more depressing church was and the harder it was to go.

At 24, I found a girl that seemed amazing, she cared for people, and for me, and said she could be married to a man who she didn't have sex with. I thought jackpot and we even went ring shopping. But luckily it didn't work out. It was through that experience that I understood, for me, I could never marry a woman.

Now I am 25 and this has been this year:

March -This is the time where I really understood, through prayer, that forcing myself to be active in the Utah Mormon sense, was distancing myself from God and His Gospel.  I gave myself permission to not go to church. With this moment, peace and love came over me more than it had sense the time I knew that God was real and loved me 9 years prior.

From March until now,  Great people have come into my life. I learned that Heaven and God want everyone there, and I need to choose the path that brings me happiness. It has been great reading blogs over these months, and learning from so many peoples insight.

Now, in this moment, I really feel confident in me, as a gay guy, who has strong a LDS religious background, a relationship with my God, and that is trying to find people like me, who are trying their best to be great, and are gay, and are in this for more than sex.

My future - Like I said, hopefully it will be filled with new found friends, similar to myself. Also, more honesty with all in my life, and someday, finding that special someone to love.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

My first crush...And I am only 25???

So, this almost seems silly, but one of the best things in my little life happened this week. I really found myself liking someone. Just to ruin the story upfront, this crush does not like me back, and it will not go anywhere, but that is not the point. Here is:

So I would always hear straight couples, and some gay ones talk about "love", "crushes", and "liking someone". On and off over the years I wondered if I might just not have a real sex drive because I had never had that in the same way others had talked about. I would see a guy walk down the street and think wow, he is good looking, or that girl in my English class would make a wonderful mom, but never thought, if I could hold him, or date him, or spend the rest of my life with him, everything would be okay. (Note: I know when people have those feelings they somewhat illusion-ed, but I still want them) Anyway, here I am having a meaningful, open, honest conversation with this guy, and BAM it hit me, like a ton of bricks. I was ready to do anything for him. What happened? We have spent a lot of time together recently. We were talking a lot about love between men, and then he opened up, and like a 6 year old on Christmas day, I was overjoyed to receive the best gift ever from him. He shared with me a loving, kind, gentle side of him, more so than I might have ever felt from anyone. And then his normally good looks got greater, his humor funnier, and his heart softer. I was hooked, for two whole days. Then it was all over, and how that happened is not important, but the fact that I felt that way did happen, and I have so much hope it can happen again. Thanks to this person for being him ;)

Sunday, July 5, 2009

A note from an old coworker...

A past coworker of mine posted online and I really liked it

"I'm one who strongly believes that if something does not have the power to save us temporally (c.à.d. bring us joy in this life), then that something does not have the power to save us eternally (c.à.d. bring us joy in the next life).

To use an analogy, if a teacher is unable to help me truly understand Algebra, then that teacher will be unable to help me truly understand Calculus.

"Line upon line" is a common mormon saying, n'est-ce pas?... Read More

Just as we need to understand Algebra before we'll be able to understand Calculus, we need to be able to find joy in this life before we'll be able to find joy in the next life.

Anyone who has you convinced that joy is not for this life tells you so because they don't know how to help you find joy. If they can't help you find joy now... how the hell are they going to help you find joy then?

Our temporal salvation is just as vital as our eternal salvation. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise."

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Sacrifice and Grieving

So, I am choosing to be out. This comes with sacrifice. One of my great friends who is married to a girl and likes guys just kind of kicked me to the curb when I told him I have started dating guys. Yeah, awesome huh? It was pretty hard, but I understand where he is coming from. I knew that's where it would go when I told him. I shed a few tears and pretended to do the grieving thing which I am not good at.

My dad died of Cancer in Feb. of this year. You think I would have grieved, but I just avoided by being strong for my family. I conducted and was the sole speaker at the funeral so I didn't have to be the person missing my dad. I could just have permission to hold it together while we spread my dad's ashes across the Pacific Ocean. In reality though I never gave myself the time to relize that I never was able to grow close enough to my dad to go on that camp out we talked about the last time I saw him walking around. I never felt close enough to him to want to tell him I liked guys. I never really let myself be me to him or feel the pain that the chance is gone is this life.

I always let myself feel the little things, but never the big things. Now it will switch, time to allow myself to grieve, to love, to engulf life, while letting little things pass, not affecting me.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Full of happiness

It is a good day. Today I recieved some hope that I can be wanted and loved.

Part of me wants to go on forever on how and why, but the bigger part of me just says I have hope!

What a WICkED life!


So I am a little crazy for a few things. One of these things would be a good musical. As I was listening to the soundtrack of Wicked, a few things stood out as things I felt good about. Here are some lyrics.

Dancing through life is a fun song that is not 100% in sync with my views, but really sometimes, shouldn't we just live and not worry???


The trouble with school is
They always try to teach the wrong lesson
Believe me, I've been kicked out
Of enough of them to know
They want you to become less callow
Less shallow
But I say: why invite stress in?
Stop studying strife
And learn to live "the unexamined life":

Dancing through life
Skimming the surface
Gliding where turf is smooth
Life's more painless
For the brainless
Why think too hard?
When it's so soothing
Dancing through life
No need to tough it
When you can sluff it off as I do
Nothing matters
But knowing nothing matters
It's just life
So keep dancing through

Dancing through life
Swaying and sweeping
And always keeping cool
Life is fraught-less
When you're thoughtless
Those who don't try
Never look foolish
Dancing through life
Mindless and careless
Make sure you're where less
Trouble is rife
Woes are fleeting
Blows are glancing
When you're dancing
Through life:


Defying Gravity

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!



I'm through accepting limits
'Cuz someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!
I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down:
And I say "world - come with me. Think of what we could
do: together."

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

California Supreme Court Upholds Ban on Same-Sex Marriage

So I have been thinking a lot on the subject. I have never really cared because I am not sure I care if I am "Married". I want a life long relationship with someone I live. Beyond that, it is not super relevant. But here is my beef. People are focusing on how immoral "Gays" are. When in reality California is pretty dang immoral, so is the world. Even here in Utah. So maybe the religious folks should worry less about a population trying to be more moral by telling them monogamous relationships are bad for them and random sex is the same thing in their eyes, I think they should be telling the world, "Let's love each other, value meaningful relationships, and encourage people to be the best they can be".

So here is my Gay Bashing moment. Why in Utah are we having rallies and protest mainly after the fact. If we want our voice to make a difference, let it be heard before the vote in great force. Not after when it is too late. Let us build the case that even as Gay men and Lesbian Women, we are good people that can make a difference in the world. We should have moral teachings and goals in out world, and a country founded on religious freedoms, seeking to take the high road, should encourage that.

Okay , that' my peace.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Someone to Come Home to

So, I have been thinking what are the benefits of being "Gay". I am not the partier type so the lifestyle of Clubs, Drugs and Sex is not appealing in the least. So why do it?

I guess it is to hold on to that hope that someday I might have someone that loves me for who I am. Someone who I can be strong for and they can be strong for me. Someone that helps me want to be better, that gives me power to overcome obstacles while we carry each others.

So I guess, now comes the fear. What if this person never comes? Then what is the point of being "Gay".

I guess that's why we take chances in life...Hopefully it will happen!

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Prayers for Bobby

So I just finished watching Prayers for Bobby, as recommended by a friend. I wish sometimes things were more simple. I feel sometimes like Bobby. I love God, love his teachings, but what I am taught ofter contradicts what I feel, what I believe.

I really believe we are all here to make this a better place. Guys who like other guys and girls who like other girls are still dying or wish they were dead. Families still feel like they would be better with out a son, than with a gay one. People should be free to feel the way the feel.

My question is for myself, how am I going to make this better. How am I not going to be one that likes other boys...who dies.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Just trying out mobile blogging

So back to blogging

I was so good about blogging (at least in my own head), and then I just stopped. No real reason, but now I think I am back. This blog is to dedicated to helping me find myself. Most of my life I have given to others, but now it's time to figure out who I am, what I want in my life, and where I am going. With this new found glory, I hope to take it and make the world an even better place.

So who am I?

Things I know for sure: I am Chris. I am a 25 year old guy. I am a resident of Utah. I am a convert to the LDS church at age 16. I am someone who doesn't go to church, but loves his beliefs and God. I am someone who is very attracted to guys, but don't feel like I should have to "come out" to the world. I am looking to share my life with. I am someone who loves people and life.

Things I am not sure of: I am surrounded by people who love who they think I am, which differs some from who I really am, which makes feel very alone at times. I am confident about my abilities, but not so much about me as a person, which I want to change. I want to be a part of the world, not just the gay world, or the LDS world, or the social service world, or the party world, but just the world as a whole. I don't fully fit one category, but love people in all categories and I want to learn not to fall into the trap of groups or stereotypes. When people think of me I don't want them to think of the gay guy, or the mormon (which many already do), I want people to think of me.

So why blog?

I'm not sure why people blog, but I have learned when I take time to write my randomness, I also read other blogs and learn so much from them about me.

I would also love for people to send me insight and feedback on my thoughts. I believe there are so many people around us so that we can teach each other. Please teach me.

Well Peace out for now, wish me luck, and good luck to ya'll!