Wednesday, September 30, 2009

falling back into the closet...NOOOO!!!

Well I have arrived up here in Logan. Everyone I work with is soooo LDS, like the kind that at work will ask you if your active, how your dating life is, and look at you funny when you drink Dr Pepper.

I work with people with disabilities and many of my clients even give me the tough questions..."Do you do your home teaching", and, "when we go volunteer at the Bishop's Storehouse, you will need to know your new ward and stake info".

I feel like I have no friends here at all, which is partly relaxing, but just makes it hard to be the real me in person. My "best friend" here is my Admin Assistant, a young married girl that I don't even know her last name.

I am really afraid that all the work of coming out will be wasted if I don't continue. I ask myself now will people accept me for who I am knowing I am gay upfront. Most people in my life had known me for a long period of time before I came out. Maybe it is okay that no one knows for now?

Thursday, September 24, 2009

when a butterfly flaps its wings

I have often thought about this idea in a much larger context than my life.


I saw a picture of a butterfly today and really wondered what the flapping of my wings might mean to my future and that of those around me.

So far it had meant real happiness in my life. I finally took a position that was really just about me. It is less work, away from the people I would seek approval from in the past, in an area that will allow for personal time. This is huge for me considering that the first word most people would use to describe me would be a workaholic.

People around me have told me that my coming out to them increased their conversations about the subject and they have become larger advocates to the cause now having more insight and knowledge.

Through the blogging world, I see people that in months go from being closeted to being leaders of a group longing for help and direction.

What will be the effect of your wings?

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Spirituality Part 3: Being Mormon

This post is in many ways the reason for this strand of posts.


Where do I and the church stand?

One of my questions when pondering the truth of the church as an investigator was:

What about the billions of people who know not the truthfulness of the Gospel, are they just screwed?

Of course we know that according to the LDS Gospel, God has a plan for all His children, and each plan looks different. Most people will not fit the Utah Mormon mold. Only the smallest percentage of people fit into that mold, but yet we know God loves everyone. I remember learning that it might even be possible for Hitler to enter into God's Kingdom after repentance and accepting the Gospel.

Now my thought is if we think God will only have a place for the 1,559,761 Utah Mormons who think they have it perfect out of his 6,781,243,583 living children on the earth right now, our vision is narrow.

We must consider how God works, and allow him to work on us the same way we testify he works through out the world.

I think the atonement will allow for me to be perfect by being what God has made me. His son. His gay son.

So where do I fit in with the church? I will use it to help me to grow closer to God, to gain a better understanding of the Savior, and to serve.

I need to understand, just as I have imperfections, everyone else does too. It is okay that imperfect local leaders may not understand me, or agree with me, but do I go to church to please them or Him?

So what does being Mormon mean to me? It is just a tool for me to use to fulfill my commandments and build a better relationship with God.

So this is where I stand spiritually now, it will be interesting to take this little self evaluation in a year and see where I grow and what I might forget. But either way, this is a good start.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Spirituality Part 2: The Commandments

There was a time in my life before really understanding God that I thought there were just 10 comandments. I know in reality there are most likely more than I count, but the fact is we can only do the best we can and there is no way in this life we can follow them all, so here are my top ten as far as priority for me.

1. On one occasion an inquiring lawyer came to the Savior and asked, “Master, which is the great commandment in the law?” The Savior responded, “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment."

 I feel like this is one that I am still sticking to. I feel like I could never deny my God and never not love him. But I do believe I can love him more. Recently as I have been feeling more Christ focused, I have become very bothered by people using the Lord's name in vain. I get why they are doing it, and I think He loves us enough to take our frustrations, but it makes me sad the people doing it are not feeling His love. I just want them to know he loves them for who they are, what he created, just like he loves me.

2. "And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.”

This has been a challenge. I kind of got tired of "service". Doing things because my work or church assignments told me I had to. It is so nice to look at things for what they are. Love as thyself? Maybe that's why I struggled. I didn't love myself, so how could I love others? Now that I do, it has been so nice to look at people knowing the potential and worth I have and trying to be there for others with true honest love.

3. Not being a slut

I think the scary thing for a lot of people when they think of gay guys is there is no woman to slow things down from going too fast. Some of my personal rules for dating now are not meeting people from online dating sites. And I think as I focus on a relationship that I want to be lasting everything will work out okay.

4. No Drinking

For me, I know that I cannot drink. I really do like much of the word of wisdom. I know, being the only sober person in my family, that if I were to drink, life would be over.

5. Pray Often

I feel like I always carry a prayer in my heart, listening for what feels right, but when I actually go in humility to my Father, my life really changes.

6. Ponder

I really like being too busy. I know, this sounds weird, but I do. Just being busy allows me the to not think about the world and my problems. One way that I can be more spiritual is by not talking and not being around people talking all the time. Some of the most amazing moments in my life have been in the mountains listening to music. Allowing my self time to think brings peace and clarity.

7. Gather with good people

I am finally starting to get the urge to attend Sunday meetings, but for now I need to be around good people. I am thankful for MoHo parties because they give me a chance to meet new people. I guess when I blog and read blogs, I am in many ways gathering with good people.

8. Do no harm

When finding solutions to problems, it is always good to ask if the solution is better than leaving the problem alone. Sometimes I can be very intense and want to be everyone's everything. I am learning that I cannot, so when I think I am helping, I end up letting people down. I need to only offer to do what I can do.

9. Be Positive

Being positive is one of the best things for my relationship with self, others, and God. There is always good around, sometimes you just have to block out the bad to see it.

10. Be an example

I think in this new age of Gay Mormons, we may as a group have the opportunity to change the way "Gay" and "Mormon" fit together forever. I always must make sure that anyone who knows I am both also knows me as someone of character, virtue, and someone close to God. With out this, I will never have respect.  

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Spirituality: Part 1:Relationship with God

So to make a long story short, me choosing to be gay took me away from my spirituality. This series of blogs is my journal of finding out where God and religion fit into my life as I define it for me.

Relationship with God:

Who is God? One thing that I never got about some Christian churches was the whole God and Jesus Christ, one or two people thing. I was an Atheist until I turned 16, but I had been read bible stories by some family members as a kid.  It always seemed logical from the stories and what I knew that they were separate people. Then as religion became more of a topic I would ask and people gave me weird answers, like, you know, "I'm not sure, they are kind of one, but kind of two". I thought, really, you go to church every week and you don't know. When I took the discussions, when I learned about God and Jesus being separate beings and working together it just made perfect sense. So when thinking about my relationship with God, I speak of my Heavenly Father, who I can communicate through because of the Atonement. This is still very real in my life.

How God speaks to me? He speaks to me through peaceful feelings. Also, through long suffering. When I can endure something, I know it is from the top. This like many will say it is hard to explain, but I feel like I almost always know when I am doing what I should be doing, and then the times I am not.

How does God feel about me? I know that he loves me. everything points to it. How any church or Christ following person could say otherwise is beyond me.

What God would tell me? He told me to join the LDS church and with that moment confirmed his existence and love for me as an individual. He told me to go on a mission, than told me it was time to come home early. He has helped with times when I needed to relocate and times when I needed to focus things in my life. With His ability to tell me all these things, it is logical when he told me I am free to be gay in the very same ways, it is from Him. I know that God has general ideas that work for the masses, but I know how much he loves me and has an individualized plan, just for me, to obtain happiness. It may not fit the mold, but how many things do fit the mold in the church or his workings. God is the master behind miracles, and I will not be one to limit Him to what He would or would not tell me. So I listen, and try to follow. And when I stray, I try to correct. That's all I can do, and in the day of judgment, I believe we will open His arms with love towards me, and I hope to rest in comfort knowing I am His son, gay and all.

The calm after the storm...

Life has been so crazy with work, coming out, crazy friends, and really everything. I feel oddly calm today. When I felt this calm, I was worried it was the calm before the storm. I am hoping for this to be the calm after the storm. The Logan move starts Wednesday and finishes next week. Then the insanity needs to be over either way.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Melt down moment...

So I was thinking about my blog and how when some people started to read it, I stopped writing it solely for me. I intentionally kept it to myself for months. But then started reading other blogs and sharing mine when it was right. From then on I wrote knowing others would be reading it and in some ways wrote more for a reader and less for me. This morning, I felt as though I should just delete it all, but giving it a day to think about, that would be dumb.

From now on I write for me. I do love the idea of people helping me on my journey, but to really benefit from this great community I have to not worry about what people think, and just throw it out there.

One person that didn't know me summarized me from reading my blog as someone who is very confused. My blog is the one place I don't have to have all the answers and I can be uncertain.

In the real world people know me as someone very put together, and at work in my job I can show no weakness, so it feels good to allow myself to lay out my thoughts to real people who I am not accountable to.

Thanks everyone for encouraging me, for trying to understand me, and help me on this crazy journey. Maybe I am still finding me, but how great is the fact I am looking. Now...I get to go back to blogging for me :)

Saturday, September 12, 2009

How do I come out to:

So I need some help and ideas on who to come out to and how...




I have seen some wonderful letter that people have sent to their parents and posted on facebook, but I feel things are a little bit different for me. I have many families I work with on my facebook page. I work with kids with disabilities and in a very conservative world, would rather these families don't know. Also, I am a believer that me being gay is not something the whole world needs to know. The last weird factor is I am the only member of the church in my family. There are days where I think my mom would rather I be gay then Mormon, so telling her would mean a really complex conversation that I don't feel close enough with her to share.



Who have I told? Some of my closest friends, my liberal friends, a few close coworkers, and my lesbian cousin. Who do I still want to know?



• Some of my old and current best friends that I think might judge me? Some are guys that I am really close with and don't want them to think that because I am gay that it means I want their body. Other friends are those from the mission or that know me as an all star Mormon. I am afraid that they only see me as a specific person and if I tell them something other, they will not want to be in my life...Which I know I should not let bother me, but it does.

• One very big category is my Mormon Mom's. These are the people who have "adopted" me and claim I am a part of their family. This is the scariest. I feel so close to these couple women that I really feel they would have no place for me if they knew I wasn't 100% active. I talk to these women less now than in years past, and they do live in California, so I guess they do not need to know. I would just hate for them to find out from someone else.

• I also would like to know how out I should be at work...Enough said

• And then my real mom. I expressed my thoughts of why I am not telling, but when do I tell her and then how. How do I explain why I Mormon, then Gay?

Any thoughts will be appreciated, it is good just to start thinking about it :)

Sunday, September 6, 2009

So I must be gay

If I like Glee this much already!

Am I really Gay?

So my best friend called me out over the last few days...He claims I am not really "gay".

Why this topic would even arise?

We were talking about what we would do for someone we were physically attracted to. Many straight and gay men would do a lot for someone they attracted to get something in return. I on the other hand need a lot from someone to be even physically attracted to them. You could line up 100 guys that I had never met, and I could easily rate them based on looks. Some I would simply never be interested in, some, just by their looks, I would want to get to know because it would look like there is something more to them, and some I might think they are so far out of my zone that I would never even think of them on the attraction scale.

Another awkward moment with all this...A guy I have chatted with over the last few months texted me again. We started to rekindle a possible relationship, and then BAM, I remembered where the original problem came into play. He started sending me pictures of himself. He is a very good looking guy, but for whatever reason it bugs me. He then wants pictures of me, which I have sent (all with clothes on, don't worry :)). I just hate that I am not interested in the picture exchange at all, and this is huge for him. Am I really just not sexual at all and really want just friends... Not sure that is it either.

So why is there no guy that just equals instant attraction for me? When someone falls into the I want to get know them category, they have the most potential to be extremely attractive.

I told my friend that I wish I could just be like the majority of guys, and he then said I would be shallow. I guess I am not the average guy, and that's okay. Just one more part of my sexuality that I do not get. Good news it that I won't have a super strong desire to pursue someone just for their amazing bod... bad news... Well, I guess we can skip that bad news and hope for the best.

I am happy for my blog because I don't have to have answers, but at least I can talk it out.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Question - Request for help

Sometimes I get a little crazy with my ideas... So as my last post said, I am moving to Logan. The bad part is, I don't know the area at all. If anyone knows of any rooms for rent up there, could you let me know :)

Thanks!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Moving to Logan



So I like to go against what people want for me I guess. I posted my silly poll of where to go and not a single person (out of the like 3 that took it) wanted me to go to Logan, so off I go to Logan. I will be transferring there so I will have the same job title and pay with less work. 

I look forward to it being a time where I can recharge and become more of a whole person. Take some time for me. Go hiking, meet new people, and enjoy the beauty around.

I will still be coming down to Salt Lake for a couple nights each week. Life should be a new adventure!