A New Blog for Chris

Hey everyone...If anyone is interested, I started a new blog I will be using. It is less gay mormon focused and little bit just about my life.

Here is the link: establishingchris.blogspot.com 

In case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight! The end of my blog.

I was talking to an awesome guy once who left the church all together. I may have told this story once before. He talked about abandoning his MoHo blog because he felt like there was no point with out being Mormon. I encouraged him to change his mind, but only after my last blog post do I understand where he was coming from.

I feel like my outlook has stepped outside the bounds of what is allowed in the MoHo community so it is logical that I say goodbye to my blog which has become my friend.


If you want to keep in touch I will just do notes on facebook so feel free to add me as a friend.


Thanks to the support and love from everyone. It has been a great journey.

Testimony of a Gay Mormon

In the LDS faith, it is all or nothing type thing. We are taught, that if Joseph Smith was a prophet, that the Book of Mormon is true, we have a prophet today, and everything else down to what we eat and drink. If one thing is wrong, that everything is crumbles. We are taught to be daily converted and to gain a testimony of everything.

When I break down some core beliefs of the church, the number one would be faith in Jesus Christ and the teaching to grow closer to him. I think the 2nd most important thing is the importance of families.

Many men who struggle with same sex attraction (gay boys), go to therapy for some miracle to happen. In the best cases I have heard of, these boys can control how much gay porn they watch, and in some cases feel some attraction to girls.  From what I can tell from the stories I have read and the people who I talk to, they never really change much. I believe that if President Monson announced that indeed it is okay for members to have same sex relationships, these individuals would rejoice and run to the opportunity.

I cannot believe in a church that teaches that God would create young men and women that at their very core love the wrong gender. Even if my new resurrected body did come with some straight man feature, it would be so sad to have what I am drawn to and the gender I am able to love sucked out of me. I would then cease to be who I am and in many ways just a shell.

So if I do not believe that God has is it planned for men to only marry women, then I must not have a testimony in the church itself. Does this mean I am not Mormon anymore? Should I just remove my name from the records of the church and be done with it? If then, should I start investigating other religions?

I do believe in a loving God. I do believe that when he told me to be baptized into the LDS Church it was His will. I just wonder now if it was because He was trying to get me to know Him and the Mormon Church was his best instrument to do so.

Lot's to think about.

More and more done with church

General Conference was at one time better for me than Christmas. I loved it! I would take notes, plan work around it, make my list of questions, there was nothing better.

Then, I come to a new understanding in life and I feel like a outsider looking in watching twice a year. I guess this is a good thing. Today I prayed that I might find answers through watching. I was afraid to ask for this because I thought, "what if I have been doing everything wrong the last year?" But, the reality set it that I am no longer so reliant upon certain things that when I do what I know is right, I don't feel guilty.

So I guess conference for this year taught me that I am more done being LDS than I thought and that I really am on the right path for me.


Until October...

Being Gay and Mormon

I have a special group of people that can see when I post a new blog on Facebook. This group started as a small handful of people I was okay with knowing the intimate details of my life. As of tonight, it is about 75% of the people I know. With this, I was thinking I would spend a post to refocus where I am at with the Gay Mormon thing which is why I started posting in the first place.

So the recap is I knew I liked guys and not girls at 13, joined the church at 16, became okay with being gay a year ago. More details on all this in past posts.

Where exactly am I know. Well, I am somewhat hesitant to still call myself LDS anymore. I have began going on dates with guys and see myself with a guy as a life partner if all goes well. If I was to pursue this as I would like, I would surely be excommunicated and not have a place in the church.

Is it that easy just to walk away? Nope.

When I choose to join the church, it was because of a very personal spiritual experience that I still do not doubt. The thing is though is that I also had a spiritual experience on the same level that has led me to take the path of dating men. Is one greater than the other. Yes, and that would be the latter. We are taught that by their fruits, ye shall know them. The happiness and joy that has come from self acceptance and dating people I am attracted to is more than I have ever felt. My desire to do good has increased, and I want to live again.

Some people say these answers conflict and only one can be right.

For those people, I direct them to the person who is leading me in my choices. God. I know that God loves us all and knows us each, as an individual. Why would the creator of all be bound to not give me personal revelation?

So gay and mormon for me means keeping my relationship with the Savior, being a good person, and finding happiness and joy so I can share it with others.

Love you all!

My Gay Mormon Sexuality Development

13 - I know I'm gay... This came from finding some adult videos of my much older step sister and finding no interest in the women and much interest in men. These feelings only grew stronger from here.

18 - I met my first openly gay guy who seemed interested in me. He invited me over to his place to talk and promised me that it would be nothing sexual. He then pushed me against my wishes and repeated no's and we messed around more than I would like... nothing major. This I believe stopped my progression into healthy relationship thinking. I put being gay in the back of my mind, went to some "reparative therapy" and went full force in to mission prep mode and off I served.

25 (about a year ago) - I did some major soul searching I decide to take a step back from church and accept myself as gay.

This is the point where I really felt like my development began.

I had my first real crush. Then I started seeing people and being okay seeing them as attractive. I wanted to date and love and be loved.

It is weird that in the last year feeling so many of the things that I heard described my whole life. The nervous feeling before asking for a phone number, that what if feeling and wondering if that crush might go somewhere.

I feel like in some ways I have come a long way, but I do have far to go. Maybe in a year or two I will be ready for an adult relationship :)

Coming out to the wrong people

So my last blog post I meant for just a select audience to read. I normally put it on my facebook as a locked status. I guess this time I forgot. Within a minute or two of posting I get a little IM saying that a woman that is like a mom to me (my church mom, since none of my family is LDS), read it. She talked about not agreeing with my "coming out" but loves me anyway. It wasn't a shock to her because we have talked lightly about the subject.

I tried to fix my facebook status right away, but it does make me wonder who else read it. 

I also came out to two amazing girls at work. This is scary because sometimes it is hard to know who you can trust. I work in Residential Treatment for teens, so we are encouraged to keep our personal lives separate from the kids so they can focus on their treatment instead of having things to attack staff on.

So far this has been a good choice to share with these two people, but I am still overly nervous I think that others will know. 

I hope for the day to come where I am really okay being 100% honest with everyone.

Coming out to my cousin

So, when I was at home in California, I came out to one of my favorite cousins.

This is only the second person in my family I have told. The first was a family member who is an open Lesbian and has been for my while life.

It was interesting this visit to tell someone close who was so close growing up and have her accept me for it. I felt like we became so much closer with me telling her.

For the longest time I felt like coming out meant giving up who I was and who I wanted to be. Everyday living a more and more open life I am learning that being gay, sharing who I am, and feeling confident are the very things I needed to be to maintain the things I liked about me and really start growing into what I want to be.

The next person I come out to may need to be my mom. I wonder how that will look?

Story time with Chris - Weakness

On my mission in a couple districts I was in, we had a block set aside know as Story Time with Elder Larson. I love relating stories to life. It makes it easier to go on. So I thought I would share a story that a missionary shared during a spiritual though one dinner appointment. I have been thinking about it a lot in regards to being gay.

One day a boy, who was born without a right arm, decides to take a karate class. The boy was nervous, and because of his disability was not sure he would be able to even participate in this ancient form of martial arts. When he walked in and explained his desires, he was quickly welcomed and taught his first move. He was instructed to practice the move for the hour he was there until it was time for him to return home. The boy did as he was told and returned the next day eager to learn more. When arriving, he was told again to practice that same move again for the day. This became the pattern as everyday for the next few months he was told to practice only this one move.

Finally the boy came in and the instructor asked him if he was confident in this move. The boy replied that he was indeed. With this reply the instructor told the young man that he was entered in the state karate championship. The boy was nervous that he only knew one move, but trusted his master, and arrived for the competition.

The boy started his first match, and by some miracle ended the round victorious. He was shocked and felt like this was a one time lucky shot. Into the next round, he won again. Third, fourth, firth, came with win after win. It was now down to the final match. Like all the others, he won again, now the state champion.

In shock and humility, he went to his master asking how this had happened. The Instructor replied, "In Karate every action has a equal counteraction. For the move I taught you, the counteraction is to grab the right arm."

Ether 12:27
27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their ^aweakness. I ^bgive unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my ^cgrace is sufficient for all men that ^dhumblethemselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make ^eweak things become strong unto them.


Sometime we look at being gay as a weakness when in reality God promises us that he will make weak things strong. I really like thinking about the things I like least about myself being the greatest tools in my life. Understanding them mean that I can get past the feeling weak in them and be happy for them.


I am so happy to be gay. When I think about it, it is what gives me tons of strength and motivation to be happy, to be better, and to love.

Taking my own advice

So, I work at a treatment center with girls who have sexually offended. These girls are drama at times and complain about almost anything the others say. As a staff it can drive me nuts and then I give my talk hoping someday it will sink in. I encourage them to focus on self and have empathy for the one they are mad at. I told one a story of my cousin that shot a man. I asked her to describe what my cousin must be like knowing he shot and killed someone. She gave a typical response, "Wow, really? He must have been awful, mean, evil, just a bad bad person." I then gave her the full story. He is a police officer that had to take one man's life that was trying to take another. Instantly her face changed to a smile with some embarrassment. She had obviously misjudged my cousin not having all the facts. I explained how she did this with her peers and she understood the lesson quickly.

I find that as of late I am doing a lot of fault finding. Some of the great people in my life are the one's that I get the most frustrated with. I need to be better at understanding where people come from.

Tonight, a guy that I met almost a year ago started chatting with me. I had to look up who it was because it had been so long. He was this amazing guy that I spent many nights chatting with and we seemed to have so much chemistry together.  Then he dropped off the radar and I didn't talk with him since May of last year. He had ignored all attempts I had made to contact him. It was so weird. So tonight when he started trying to chat with me I was mad. Really, who does he think he is? But, we chatted anyway, and he had been dating a guy much of this time. Makes more sense why he would back away. It doesn't make his ignoring me right, but I can understand it. This understanding makes it easier for me.

I think maybe I will have a better chance at a relationship when I try harder to see people from where they see.

Why I need a gay family...

Some background...I still have not told my mom I'm gay.

So, I am talking to my mom on the phone today about my uncle's recent death and it hits me...If anything happens to my mom, I have no family left. I lost it a little bit while talking to my mom thinking about no parents, no siblings, close aunts or uncles, grandparents, kids, or a spouse.

When I was stressed my mom expressed that I will have a family of my own and that is where I would find long term happiness. This was the first time my mom has ever said anything about me having a future family.

Maybe that is why I have felt so strong about dating and finding Mr Right. I have the power not only to be happy, but to create a family. This is at the root of everything, my ultimate goal.

Thanks Mom for the encouragement!

Feeling so loved

Lately I am feeling so happy for the feeling of love and acceptance in my life. 

I really was thinking about this at a dinner party I went to last week at this really awesome guy's parent's house. It was the first time I went to a MoHo type party and felt really accepted. I heard one individual share his story of coming to terms and choosing a life that was right for him. It was amazing to hear and made my doubts of some recent choices go away. I loved talking to some old friends and new ones and then hanging with a friend afterwards watching a movie. 

I then had a crazy weekend that involved a very close family member passing away. My straight and gay friends have been so supportive through comments, texts, phone calls, and their support. I am even feeling more support than ever from people at work. 

I guess my fear at this point is that I might lose what I have. I work so much. I hate texting and chat which seems to be the way kids these days communicate. Sometimes I just don't have it in me to reply. I love chatting on the phone, but there barely seems time for that when I am working just under 2 full time jobs worth of hours and going to school. Hopefully those close to me will continue to forgive me as I try to do better.

Thanks everyone for the love, and I hope I can do much much better to give it back!

One Life Ends...Another Begins

Some people who know me or read my blog may think I am very negative. Outwardly this may be true, but if you really got to know me, or confronted me with almost any issue honestly, I think most times I would find some silver lining to every less than great thing.

Well, a year ago today, I had to make the choice to take my father off life support and he passed away a couple hours later. We were not always the closest, but I loved him and I know he loved me. How then do you ask how I find the positive in this? Well, when he died, I took the chance to look at life, specifically my life. I learned a lot about my dad during the weeks that followed, but the biggest lesson I learned from his past was that he was the most happiest when he choose his life. He died very much an alcoholic which defined him. Before that addiction was the only thing he had left, he lived the life he wanted.

With this is mind, I figured I could continue to struggle to find love and acceptance from church members, in the same way, my dad turned to a bottle for happiness. My three goals have always been Service, Love, and Relationships. This was the point that I decided I had to choose to be me, to choose happiness, and not to let anything consume me that would take away my goals. Really had it not been for this, I might not have ever come out to anyone.

I still miss my dad, but I am grateful that I was able to create a new life from his and learn from him, the good and the bad.

More Random Thoughts

Well, life has been busy, and I have so much to blog about...This leads me to more random thoughts.

When I finally started being okay being gay, I go and do something that makes me want to be straight. Overall though each day, I am one step closer to feeling comfortable in my own skin. When it comes down to it...I like being gay.

I feel like I am finally starting to have good gay and Moho friends. Special thanks to Steve-O, David, David, Jessie, Scott, Sarah, Canyon, Brent, and all the other cool people I am meeting.

I am discovering my love for cuddling and sometimes think I would be perfectly happy just with that...No clothes off fun needed.

Dating will be fun, but if I force it, I will end up hurt and empty. It will happen when it will happen.

Work is going really well. Sometimes I don't know how to handle being gay and working in residential treatment. For now, I just hang in the closet while at work. I have lots of practice, so no worries.

I am a people pleaser, but it's just because I care?

I think I am almost ready to come out to my mom...When is the right time.

Church is about to make some kind of come back in my life, just trying to figure out where and when and how.

Maybe someday, I will blog for real, as for now, have a wonderful Sunday :)

Tears

Tonight was the first night I really felt in a long time. I could feel and I could feel hard, and it hurt so bad. But I could feel, and I cared, and it made me remember that I care about people. The people close to me and I love them. Friendship always has the possibility of ending. I guess I should always be ready for that and continue to look for something for life and beyond.

Thanks to my friends for helping me feel...Even when it hurts.

Options for meeting Mr. Right...

Somedays I miss the good old fashion singles ward that makes dating easy (well easier).

Sadly there is not a Salt Lake City 469th Young Gay Single Adult Ward. This would be a place where you could be spiritually fed, have friends who don't judge your lifestyle (maybe your clothing choice), and the ward activities would help members in peculiar circumstances find their Eternal Companion.

Well, since that most likely will never happen, here are the options I have figured out...

1. Craigslist Personals:

When I first was exploring the idea of dating, I let my eyes wander over to the left side of the Salt Lake City Craigslist ads to see Men Seeking Men. I was somewhat surprised to find not so modest pictures of men from the valley, most not even showing their face. I also learned of new terms that I had to look up on Urban Dictionary. Of Course I thought I would be the exception to what these men were looking for so I posted an ad looking for friendship or maybe a LTR. I braved the waters to find that they were full of trouble that led me to feeling worse about my actions.

So Craigslist and other sites similar fail the test.

2. Online Dating (ex. Yahoo, Compatible Partners, Etc)

So, thinking this might be better I set up my profiles and started chatting. Holy awkward moments batman. I went on a couple dates after much work and paying stupid fees to find guys who didn't know what they wanted.

Dating Online so far is a FAIL!

3. Clubbing

I have not given this one a real chance, but the one time I did go, I felt so uncomfortable. My dad was an alcoholic, so being around people that are wasted is a struggle for me, plus I really suck at dancing so I am not yet confident I will meet Prince Charming while I am so uncomfortable.

Clubbing - Not fully explored but highly skeptical

4. Social Groups

I have heard of groups like simply social and others who just get a bunch of gay guys together to hang and do activities. This sounds like fun if I went with a friend or two.

Anyone have any experience on these groups? I would love to here the pros and cons.

5. Word of mouth

I think I hope that maybe someday someone will set me up with "him". This way seems kind of high school and really takes the power out of my hands, but sure would nice. I figure I am still pretty new to being out so if this is to happen I should given it lots of time.

So I guess I just need to be patient and keep exploring, but if anyone has any brilliant ideas they would like to share, please do.

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

One of my really great friends is a super example to me, and he has been for a long time. Sometimes because we can be so different, I sometimes don't realize how much I learn from him and how there are many things about him that I want to to incorporate into my life.

Some examples:

1. He works to live, whereas I often live to work. Some day I want my job to simply be there to pay my bills, but not something that my whole life revolves around. I think about if I just worked 40 hours a week doing something that payed decent and I somewhat enjoy, I would have so much more opportunity to do the things I really want, like spend time with friends, date, and make a difference in the world.

2. He travels. He is an adventurer which I aspire to be. Right now my idea of a vacation is driving up to Park City alone just to catch my breath for a night. I want to be able to take a month a see many parts of a while new continent, or find long lost friends to enjoy their company.

3. He is not worried about what other people think of his life choices. One of my favorite jobs I ever had was working at Cold Stone. I made much more money than I do now and I had so much fun. For whatever reason I am embarrassed by that. Maybe someday I will own a little ice cream shop and do some counseling on the side and now worry about how crazy that sounds.

This year I want ask a little less of what I think the world needs, and focus more on coming alive.

Random Thoughts

• I work two much. I miss the days where a $100 paycheck as a 14 year old made me feel rich, and now my paychecks from working 55-70 hours a week still barely seem to pay my bills.
• I have great friends that I miss. Going though facebook today, it really made me want to find a way to keep them more in my life.
• I want to make 20 minutes a day to read blogs. They are thought provoking and inspiring to me and I  am so grateful for them.
• For the first time in my life I LOVE the sun. I burn really easy, thus the past lack of love, but lately on the days when it comes out, I have hope and happiness. It is like my life, there can be clouds that seem to pour on you for the better part of the year, but the sun always comes out. There is always hope in the future.
• Another first is that I am mostly happy about not being in charge. I love my new job where I can add my experience and knowledge, but I do not have to have all the answers all the time.
• As I read blogs today, I felt God's love for people. Reading of renewed testimonies, pending news that could seem destroying, but is seen with some level of comfort, knowing that people I barely know, are speaking to me with out even knowing it. I really believe in a higher power that has a foundation for love, even love for me.