'Cause i know where i've been

As I was driving to the MoHo party last night, I drove past the apartment that I spent many evenings at. The apartment of the girl I thought I was going to Marry.

This began a period of reflection as I have looked about how much progress I really have made over the last couple of years. What a nice reflection to the normal frustrations of not always being where or what I want to be.

"There is a road we must travel."

I look at the path that is bringing me happiness. The first couple MoHo parties I went to stressed me out so much because I saw so many happy people and I was so confused still and wasn't sure I would ever be able to truly be me. Last night I had so much fun. I was 100% comfortable, and it was something that I liked.

"There's a promise we have to make"

I think I needed last night so for hope, so promise myself to continue to go forward. I am much of a person that believes we are the creator of our own happiness. Before my mission, I went to a meeting for the mission where I lived. One of the missionaries was in his last day in the field after two years serving. He said, with tears streaming down his face, "This is the best day of my mission." This mission president got up and stopped him, and explained how this Elder lived his mission and his life in this respect, making every day the best day, even in sadness or pain.

The promise I make to go forward is to live my life with hope and make every day the best day. "Worth the risk and the chances we will take."

As Miss Maybell sings in Hairspray,

There's a struggle 

That we have yet to win 

Use that pride 

In our hearts 

To lift us up 

Until tomorrow 

'Cause just to sit still 

Would be a sin 

Oh! When we win, 

I'll give thanks to my god 

'Cause i know where i've been

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46NdewMfHAw

What does the future hold?

So, one thing that always seemed to give me hope when I was 100% active in the church was the hope of finding a girl to have a family with then hopefully getting over my "SGA". Luckily, that never happened, because I am learning it is not that simple.

One of my friends said something to the effect of, you are only coming out so you are not alone.

The scary thing is that by coming out, I feel like in some ways, I have even more potential to be alone.

I just wish I was dating, or even could go on a real date. I wish that I was in a place where I could meet people in more natural settings. I am pretty sure I will be in Salt Lake for at least the next 5-8 years, so hopefully in that time I will find someone great.

I just don't know what the future will hold?

Today, I am thankful for life

As good changes are coming, and happiness seems to be more tangible, I am so much more grateful for living.

I am grateful for people that are sad and feel alone, that they continue to live. When they do this, they are there for me, even when they do not know me.

I am so happy than in my lowest points, I still chose to live. I hope this will allow me to be there for others.

This Thanksgiving Season, I am most thankful for the life and lives of those around me.

Coming Home, 1 step backwards = two forward

So, wonderful news. I am moving back to Salt Lake after just about 2 months in Logan. Is anyone looking to rent out a room to me? :)

We here so often that sometimes we need to go in the wrong direction to find the right one and my move to Logan fulfilled that in every way.

I am grateful for the chance I had to take a moment away from life and craziness to find what I need to do.

Lessons learned?

1. Sometimes I get so caught up in helping everyone, I lose focus of what I really want to do.

2. I love my friends, and need to spend much more time with them.

3. Salary is not always a good thing. Actually is almost never a good thing in my history. I am looking forward to a job where I can simply be me, make a difference, and then go home. I got so stressed out the last few months, that I almost stopped functioning all together.

4. Trust myself. Moving to Logan was exactly what I needed. Moving back is also what I needed. Sometimes, I feel like doing crazy things. Most times, they are good for me.

5. Smile. There is so much to be happy for, that if your not, you will lose it. I am so happy I didn't lose my friends all together and I am so glad to some home to them.

So back I come, to my home, where my support is. Now just to find a room to rent.

More on equality

What if your biggest thing in life you worked for was a sticker.

I am at work and overhearing a conversation about how much this poor girl has to do to earn a freaking sticker. IT'S A STICKER!!!!!!!!!!!

People with disabilities are treated so unfair sometimes.

Maybe someday people of all abilities will have the chance for real hopes and dreams. Marriage, a career, friends, and family.

Maybe when the church compares gays to people with disabilities, they also feel like us working for a sticker should be good enough.

Equality and Understanding

So this is more of a two part post.

Equality


When I hear equality, I automatically think of rights going to LGBT individuals and couples. Obviously I see this as something very important in my life and my friends, but when the word seems to be coined to one group, it reminds me of what one of my straight guy friends says.

"I don't think it is fair that gays got the sole rights to the rainbow. I like rainbows, but if I use them, then people think I'm something I'm not [so no a direct quote, but you get the idea]."

So, my thought process is this...If when we work on equal rights for those who need them, we focus on everyone who deserve equal rights.

One example: Depression is a true illness proven time and time again. What if someone asked for some time off from work for depression? Especially if they asked for it because it was causing self harm and interfering with work. Well, I asked that question, and I was told that I would only be allowed to take off for medical appointments.

Let's say someone has a surgery and they are recovering. They could take an easy 6 weeks off with out a blink of the eye and most likely with out anyone asking for a doctors note.

What if they were told well, you could work, you would just have to be in severe pain while at work. You might not be able to perform as well, but we will just hold you accountable for that. Even, if they were told, being at work might slow your recovery, or possibly make it worse.

I feel like this is what I am being told. One of the supervisors I confided in yesterday said I was just using my depression and anxiety as an excuse.

I hope that the GLBT community not only works for their equal rights, but those in other categories experiencing the same denial of rights.

Understanding


So, one thing that I see also too often is when people understand something new, they want everyone else to understand it.

Example: LDS converts are known to make the best member missionaries. They have that "convert fire" to go out and tell all their friends and family, sometimes almost demanding they understand the truth.

I right now and understanding how someone with the medical condition of depression can sometimes be treated unfair.

We as a MOHO community filled with many recently out Mormons understand that rights are not equal and that needs to change. We understand God's love for us for who we are, not what a culture wants us to be. I think because we understand it, we want to hurry and help everyone else understand it quickly and than accept us.

For myself, I am realizing this doesn't always happen. I had 13 years to understand it, and come to my conclusions. These conclusions I came to mostly because they were so close to home. For me to expect someone else to have my same understanding would be unfair.

I am just grateful when people try to understand and love me. Hopefully with in another 13 years the people closest to me will all get it, but I will be patient.

Thanks everyone!

Thanks for everyone's comments on my last post. It was nice to get little laughs through out the day. Today was a stressful day (like the next couple weeks most likely will), but it's nice to have positive funny people in my life to make things okay!

Thank you, thank you.

Funny Apartment Post: You, me, and us?

I found this a while back, and still laugh...REAL AD FROM CRAIGSLIST.



25 year old LDS Male looking for someone to take my roommates place. 1 Bedroom apartment. Bedroom has a bunkbed in it. Fully furnished with the exception of you will need a dressor and possibly a twin mattress.
$275.00 is the monthly rent. It includes electricity, water, heat/ac etc. Cable and internet is about $30.00.

Me: 25 year old white active LDS guy. No Drugs. No Smoking, No Drinking. I keep LDS standards. I work and go to school. I have a car. Temple worthy.

You: Be under 30. Be active LDS. Keep LDS standards. Be easy to get along with. Need to want to be a friend to your roommate. I like being close to who I live with. Preferred to be temple worthy so we can go to temple together.

Us: We need to get along. We should be able to hangout and be able to have each others friends over to the place. I am far away from home so I do not have a lot of friends here or anyone to be close to. I like to sit on the couch and cuddle with a guy friend with my arm around him. This is not gay, I think its brotherly. You must be willing to do it. I also do not mind giving back rubs etc. I think that is brotherly too. I also am not personal, if you happen to be in the bedroom and I need to change clothes well I will change in front of you.
Any questions? email me :)

November's theme: For real this time...A trip down memory lane...

Teen Files 15 Minute Preview from Rodrigo Torres on Vimeo.

So, a huge part of me from my glory days, that I am trying to bring back, is the philosophy of Challenge Day. One of the most amazing programs that I have ever been a part of.

The basic program takes 100 high school students, from all different backgrounds and cliques, puts them in the gym, and runs them through activities and games to help them get comfortable with one and other. Then the students get in groups and start talking with guided questions. Every time people end up sharing parts of their past and their secrets with virtual strangers, sometimes with people whom they hated just the day before.

The result for the people in the room is that they treat those differently when seeing that everyone has a past. Knowing that even someone who seems to do things so mean, can be in as much pain as they are causing. Understanding that we all have similarities, we can all share something and move forward as friends.

With the marriage debate, I think this is something for everyone to think about. Many LGBT Americans are worried about their rights to express love and be treated equally. This is very logical to most of those who read this. What are the other people thinking? I think some straight couples are afraid in many of the same ways we are. They may be afraid of losing the structure of family they know and love. They may be afraid that if they support something outside of the realms of what they are taught in church, that God may punish them or deny them blessings (sounds similar to what kept me in the closet for years).

If we wanted to be treated right, then we need to treat the people we understand the least right. We need to love people and find where they are coming from and give them the chance to know us. When we become mean, or hateful, or lose the love in the battle, then we may indeed not deserve the rights we want so bad.

Please if you have 15 minutes, view the above website. Also feel free to visit www.challengeday.org. Let us all try to understand each other, even in weakness.

November's Theme: A dark secret

So I was pondering the last week trying to find a dark secret. I feel like since coming out, my life is mostly secret free (except for maybe a crush here or there). Then last night happened. Something that normally I would have locked away deep with in my soul so that no would know.

I watched the new G.I. JOE movie. And...I liked it.

Please don't tell... ;)

Gay Friendships

One thing I have never been amazing at is meeting new people. Most of my friends I know from work, one or two from school, and any others from the miracle that these people reached out in a big way to me.


So now I am doing the gay thing, I want gay friends. I love my straight friends, but just want even one or two gay friends I could go and hang out with or talk to on the phone to relate to.


I don't feel comfortable in groups of strangers, so I ask myself, how am I going to ever meet some gay friends.


Maybe there are people out there who look at me as their gay friend. Maybe I am just blind to it all.


Oh well, at least I have cool blogs to read, and great online support, plus my straight friends.

Not fair...

As I posted in October, I tried to come out to my mom, and she was less than willing to listen.

Today she called and told me how life was so hard, I asked her why.

She said a light bulb went out and she is not tall enough to change it. Then she told me how she cried for a long time after that.

Really mom, a light bulb? That is much harder to deal with than being gay. Oh well.

Halloween - Sooo GOOD

So anyone at the MoHo Party knows that this is exactly how I looked on Halloween...Right?

So this weekend was amazing. It started with Judge Memorial's performance of RENT. It was pretty dang great for a high school and to the staff the fought to allow a Catholic School be able to perform it, well done.

Then dinner with some great friends at Chili's. It was pretty fun especially because I felt like my gay and straight life collided in a good way.

I spent the night at a friends house that was relaxing then the next day off to Lagoon with a best friend and some kids with Autism that I love.

Some random hangout time then off to the MoHo party. I had a straight friend come with me and she was a huge support and it made it that much more fun. It was good to stay for the whole thing, and I am so grateful to the all the guys who came up and said hi. It was also a blast to see some friends from past parties.

Then out for a little while to my first Gay Club experience. Not my favorite, but it was still a great experience. Especially hanging out with a great old friend and a brand new one.

I stayed the night with an amazing family and then back home today. Really the best weekend in so so long.

Thank you to everyone for being so great to me!!!