I was talking to an awesome guy once who left the church all together. I may have told this story once before. He talked about abandoning his MoHo blog because he felt like there was no point with out being Mormon. I encouraged him to change his mind, but only after my last blog post do I understand where he was coming from.
I feel like my outlook has stepped outside the bounds of what is allowed in the MoHo community so it is logical that I say goodbye to my blog which has become my friend.
If you want to keep in touch I will just do notes on facebook so feel free to add me as a friend.
Thanks to the support and love from everyone. It has been a great journey.
In the LDS faith, it is all or nothing type thing. We are taught, that if Joseph Smith was a prophet, that the Book of Mormon is true, we have a prophet today, and everything else down to what we eat and drink. If one thing is wrong, that everything is crumbles. We are taught to be daily converted and to gain a testimony of everything.
When I break down some core beliefs of the church, the number one would be faith in Jesus Christ and the teaching to grow closer to him. I think the 2nd most important thing is the importance of families.
Many men who struggle with same sex attraction (gay boys), go to therapy for some miracle to happen. In the best cases I have heard of, these boys can control how much gay porn they watch, and in some cases feel some attraction to girls. From what I can tell from the stories I have read and the people who I talk to, they never really change much. I believe that if President Monson announced that indeed it is okay for members to have same sex relationships, these individuals would rejoice and run to the opportunity.
I cannot believe in a church that teaches that God would create young men and women that at their very core love the wrong gender. Even if my new resurrected body did come with some straight man feature, it would be so sad to have what I am drawn to and the gender I am able to love sucked out of me. I would then cease to be who I am and in many ways just a shell.
So if I do not believe that God has is it planned for men to only marry women, then I must not have a testimony in the church itself. Does this mean I am not Mormon anymore? Should I just remove my name from the records of the church and be done with it? If then, should I start investigating other religions?
I do believe in a loving God. I do believe that when he told me to be baptized into the LDS Church it was His will. I just wonder now if it was because He was trying to get me to know Him and the Mormon Church was his best instrument to do so.
General Conference was at one time better for me than Christmas. I loved it! I would take notes, plan work around it, make my list of questions, there was nothing better.
Then, I come to a new understanding in life and I feel like a outsider looking in watching twice a year. I guess this is a good thing. Today I prayed that I might find answers through watching. I was afraid to ask for this because I thought, "what if I have been doing everything wrong the last year?" But, the reality set it that I am no longer so reliant upon certain things that when I do what I know is right, I don't feel guilty.
So I guess conference for this year taught me that I am more done being LDS than I thought and that I really am on the right path for me.
I have a special group of people that can see when I post a new blog on Facebook. This group started as a small handful of people I was okay with knowing the intimate details of my life. As of tonight, it is about 75% of the people I know. With this, I was thinking I would spend a post to refocus where I am at with the Gay Mormon thing which is why I started posting in the first place.
So the recap is I knew I liked guys and not girls at 13, joined the church at 16, became okay with being gay a year ago. More details on all this in past posts.
Where exactly am I know. Well, I am somewhat hesitant to still call myself LDS anymore. I have began going on dates with guys and see myself with a guy as a life partner if all goes well. If I was to pursue this as I would like, I would surely be excommunicated and not have a place in the church.
Is it that easy just to walk away? Nope.
When I choose to join the church, it was because of a very personal spiritual experience that I still do not doubt. The thing is though is that I also had a spiritual experience on the same level that has led me to take the path of dating men. Is one greater than the other. Yes, and that would be the latter. We are taught that by their fruits, ye shall know them. The happiness and joy that has come from self acceptance and dating people I am attracted to is more than I have ever felt. My desire to do good has increased, and I want to live again.
Some people say these answers conflict and only one can be right.
For those people, I direct them to the person who is leading me in my choices. God. I know that God loves us all and knows us each, as an individual. Why would the creator of all be bound to not give me personal revelation?
So gay and mormon for me means keeping my relationship with the Savior, being a good person, and finding happiness and joy so I can share it with others.
13 - I know I'm gay... This came from finding some adult videos of my much older step sister and finding no interest in the women and much interest in men. These feelings only grew stronger from here.
18 - I met my first openly gay guy who seemed interested in me. He invited me over to his place to talk and promised me that it would be nothing sexual. He then pushed me against my wishes and repeated no's and we messed around more than I would like... nothing major. This I believe stopped my progression into healthy relationship thinking. I put being gay in the back of my mind, went to some "reparative therapy" and went full force in to mission prep mode and off I served.
25 (about a year ago) - I did some major soul searching I decide to take a step back from church and accept myself as gay.
This is the point where I really felt like my development began.
I had my first real crush. Then I started seeing people and being okay seeing them as attractive. I wanted to date and love and be loved.
It is weird that in the last year feeling so many of the things that I heard described my whole life. The nervous feeling before asking for a phone number, that what if feeling and wondering if that crush might go somewhere.
I feel like in some ways I have come a long way, but I do have far to go. Maybe in a year or two I will be ready for an adult relationship :)
So my last blog post I meant for just a select audience to read. I normally put it on my facebook as a locked status. I guess this time I forgot. Within a minute or two of posting I get a little IM saying that a woman that is like a mom to me (my church mom, since none of my family is LDS), read it. She talked about not agreeing with my "coming out" but loves me anyway. It wasn't a shock to her because we have talked lightly about the subject.
I tried to fix my facebook status right away, but it does make me wonder who else read it.
I also came out to two amazing girls at work. This is scary because sometimes it is hard to know who you can trust. I work in Residential Treatment for teens, so we are encouraged to keep our personal lives separate from the kids so they can focus on their treatment instead of having things to attack staff on.
So far this has been a good choice to share with these two people, but I am still overly nervous I think that others will know.
I hope for the day to come where I am really okay being 100% honest with everyone.