Therapy Session 1:

I hear for most people the first few sessions of therapy are mostly bland with no major progress. For me the hour went quickly by establishing who I am and where I come from. It is very clear I am one troubled individual :)

So at the very end he asked me "if you could wake up tomorrow and have things exactly how you would want them, how would that look, feel, and be"?

This was the question that gave me the most anxiety for the following reasons:

If I am allowed to wake up to anything, that means, I wake up to the man of my dreams. The hard part about that is how exactly do I feel about that.

Do I really believe that will happen?

If it did happen what about church?

Am I good enough for that to happen?

All the crazy thoughts about it, but a good question I look forward to finding the answers to.

Sometimes everything is not okay

I have had some very humbling experiences lately. I sometimes feel like I have accomplished a lot in my little life and try to look at myself as very put together and whole.

These last 2 weeks have shown the tip to a very large Iceberg of problems. I am learning that the codependency, depression, and anxiety that has on and off again ruled my life, the problems I thought I had overcome, are now returning in full force.

Not to complain, but to be open and honest with myself, I admit that there has not been more than a few minutes these last few weeks that I was not ready for everything to be over. Working in the human services field, it hit me today that if someone told me that they are feeling what I am feeling, I would suggest serious consideration of a inpatient program with constant supervision.

I like to pretend like my depression doesn't effect my life, but somehow I was able to open my eyes and allow myself to have perspective, I can see myself sucking at the job I love, destroying my virtue, and even failing at simple things like being able to enjoy the MoHo party which was the only the thing I really looked forward to in September.  I left early because I felt so sick inside and was just done with life. I missed the chance to meet more new people, to reconnect with someone worth while, and then off to sit alone in my room.

It is weird how things have happened. I feel like the last couple weeks I have read so many blogs about people feeling the same way. I was so deep in my crap I couldn't even see I was right there. I wonder if it wasn't for their honesty if I would have found my own.

Good news is, I opted to find a therapist today. Are things okay? Right now, nope, but hopefully they will be.

Again, my goal is not to complain, but to be honest as to where I am for me. Please don't worry about me.

One thing that always takes me back is Adam's Song by Blink 182. I hope to regain the vision of the close of the song

I never thought I'd die alone
I laughed the loudest who'd have known
I traced the cord back to the wall
No wonder it was never plugged in at all
I took my time, I hurried up
The choice was mine, I didn't think enough
I'm too depressed, to go on
You'll be sorry when I'm gone

I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over we'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

I never thought I'd die alone
Another six months I'll be unknown
Give all my things to all my friends
You'll never set foot in my room again
You'll close it off, board it up
Remember the time that I spilled the cup
Of apple juice in the hall
Please tell mom this is not her fault

I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over we'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

I never conquered, rarely came
Tomorrow holds such better days
Days when I can still feel alive
When I can't wait to get outside
The world is wide, the time goes by
The tour is over, I'd survived
I can't wait till I get home
To pass the time in my room alone

falling back into the closet...NOOOO!!!

Well I have arrived up here in Logan. Everyone I work with is soooo LDS, like the kind that at work will ask you if your active, how your dating life is, and look at you funny when you drink Dr Pepper.

I work with people with disabilities and many of my clients even give me the tough questions..."Do you do your home teaching", and, "when we go volunteer at the Bishop's Storehouse, you will need to know your new ward and stake info".

I feel like I have no friends here at all, which is partly relaxing, but just makes it hard to be the real me in person. My "best friend" here is my Admin Assistant, a young married girl that I don't even know her last name.

I am really afraid that all the work of coming out will be wasted if I don't continue. I ask myself now will people accept me for who I am knowing I am gay upfront. Most people in my life had known me for a long period of time before I came out. Maybe it is okay that no one knows for now?

when a butterfly flaps its wings

I have often thought about this idea in a much larger context than my life.


I saw a picture of a butterfly today and really wondered what the flapping of my wings might mean to my future and that of those around me.

So far it had meant real happiness in my life. I finally took a position that was really just about me. It is less work, away from the people I would seek approval from in the past, in an area that will allow for personal time. This is huge for me considering that the first word most people would use to describe me would be a workaholic.

People around me have told me that my coming out to them increased their conversations about the subject and they have become larger advocates to the cause now having more insight and knowledge.

Through the blogging world, I see people that in months go from being closeted to being leaders of a group longing for help and direction.

What will be the effect of your wings?

Spirituality Part 3: Being Mormon

This post is in many ways the reason for this strand of posts.


Where do I and the church stand?

One of my questions when pondering the truth of the church as an investigator was:

What about the billions of people who know not the truthfulness of the Gospel, are they just screwed?

Of course we know that according to the LDS Gospel, God has a plan for all His children, and each plan looks different. Most people will not fit the Utah Mormon mold. Only the smallest percentage of people fit into that mold, but yet we know God loves everyone. I remember learning that it might even be possible for Hitler to enter into God's Kingdom after repentance and accepting the Gospel.

Now my thought is if we think God will only have a place for the 1,559,761 Utah Mormons who think they have it perfect out of his 6,781,243,583 living children on the earth right now, our vision is narrow.

We must consider how God works, and allow him to work on us the same way we testify he works through out the world.

I think the atonement will allow for me to be perfect by being what God has made me. His son. His gay son.

So where do I fit in with the church? I will use it to help me to grow closer to God, to gain a better understanding of the Savior, and to serve.

I need to understand, just as I have imperfections, everyone else does too. It is okay that imperfect local leaders may not understand me, or agree with me, but do I go to church to please them or Him?

So what does being Mormon mean to me? It is just a tool for me to use to fulfill my commandments and build a better relationship with God.

So this is where I stand spiritually now, it will be interesting to take this little self evaluation in a year and see where I grow and what I might forget. But either way, this is a good start.

Spirituality Part 2: The Commandments

There was a time in my life before really understanding God that I thought there were just 10 comandments. I know in reality there are most likely more than I count, but the fact is we can only do the best we can and there is no way in this life we can follow them all, so here are my top ten as far as priority for me.

1. On one occasion an inquiring lawyer came to the Savior and asked, “Master, which is the great commandment in the law?” The Savior responded, “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment."

 I feel like this is one that I am still sticking to. I feel like I could never deny my God and never not love him. But I do believe I can love him more. Recently as I have been feeling more Christ focused, I have become very bothered by people using the Lord's name in vain. I get why they are doing it, and I think He loves us enough to take our frustrations, but it makes me sad the people doing it are not feeling His love. I just want them to know he loves them for who they are, what he created, just like he loves me.

2. "And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.”

This has been a challenge. I kind of got tired of "service". Doing things because my work or church assignments told me I had to. It is so nice to look at things for what they are. Love as thyself? Maybe that's why I struggled. I didn't love myself, so how could I love others? Now that I do, it has been so nice to look at people knowing the potential and worth I have and trying to be there for others with true honest love.

3. Not being a slut

I think the scary thing for a lot of people when they think of gay guys is there is no woman to slow things down from going too fast. Some of my personal rules for dating now are not meeting people from online dating sites. And I think as I focus on a relationship that I want to be lasting everything will work out okay.

4. No Drinking

For me, I know that I cannot drink. I really do like much of the word of wisdom. I know, being the only sober person in my family, that if I were to drink, life would be over.

5. Pray Often

I feel like I always carry a prayer in my heart, listening for what feels right, but when I actually go in humility to my Father, my life really changes.

6. Ponder

I really like being too busy. I know, this sounds weird, but I do. Just being busy allows me the to not think about the world and my problems. One way that I can be more spiritual is by not talking and not being around people talking all the time. Some of the most amazing moments in my life have been in the mountains listening to music. Allowing my self time to think brings peace and clarity.

7. Gather with good people

I am finally starting to get the urge to attend Sunday meetings, but for now I need to be around good people. I am thankful for MoHo parties because they give me a chance to meet new people. I guess when I blog and read blogs, I am in many ways gathering with good people.

8. Do no harm

When finding solutions to problems, it is always good to ask if the solution is better than leaving the problem alone. Sometimes I can be very intense and want to be everyone's everything. I am learning that I cannot, so when I think I am helping, I end up letting people down. I need to only offer to do what I can do.

9. Be Positive

Being positive is one of the best things for my relationship with self, others, and God. There is always good around, sometimes you just have to block out the bad to see it.

10. Be an example

I think in this new age of Gay Mormons, we may as a group have the opportunity to change the way "Gay" and "Mormon" fit together forever. I always must make sure that anyone who knows I am both also knows me as someone of character, virtue, and someone close to God. With out this, I will never have respect.  

Spirituality: Part 1:Relationship with God

So to make a long story short, me choosing to be gay took me away from my spirituality. This series of blogs is my journal of finding out where God and religion fit into my life as I define it for me.

Relationship with God:

Who is God? One thing that I never got about some Christian churches was the whole God and Jesus Christ, one or two people thing. I was an Atheist until I turned 16, but I had been read bible stories by some family members as a kid.  It always seemed logical from the stories and what I knew that they were separate people. Then as religion became more of a topic I would ask and people gave me weird answers, like, you know, "I'm not sure, they are kind of one, but kind of two". I thought, really, you go to church every week and you don't know. When I took the discussions, when I learned about God and Jesus being separate beings and working together it just made perfect sense. So when thinking about my relationship with God, I speak of my Heavenly Father, who I can communicate through because of the Atonement. This is still very real in my life.

How God speaks to me? He speaks to me through peaceful feelings. Also, through long suffering. When I can endure something, I know it is from the top. This like many will say it is hard to explain, but I feel like I almost always know when I am doing what I should be doing, and then the times I am not.

How does God feel about me? I know that he loves me. everything points to it. How any church or Christ following person could say otherwise is beyond me.

What God would tell me? He told me to join the LDS church and with that moment confirmed his existence and love for me as an individual. He told me to go on a mission, than told me it was time to come home early. He has helped with times when I needed to relocate and times when I needed to focus things in my life. With His ability to tell me all these things, it is logical when he told me I am free to be gay in the very same ways, it is from Him. I know that God has general ideas that work for the masses, but I know how much he loves me and has an individualized plan, just for me, to obtain happiness. It may not fit the mold, but how many things do fit the mold in the church or his workings. God is the master behind miracles, and I will not be one to limit Him to what He would or would not tell me. So I listen, and try to follow. And when I stray, I try to correct. That's all I can do, and in the day of judgment, I believe we will open His arms with love towards me, and I hope to rest in comfort knowing I am His son, gay and all.