Back to blogging - It's a wonderful life

I like where life is right now. I don't like that when I am in a good place though, I seem to stop blogging, which leaves me with no record of my good times, so I will catch up a little.

I started a new job about three weeks ago which I love. It was meant to supplement my current job so that I could step down from a Management Position and focus on my life and the clients lives. The reality is that is my only job for the moment because the other company has not approved my transfer so I am super grateful it is working out so well. I am working a little too much. 72 hours of work this week alone, but come the first of the year and I should be working mostly regular hours.

I now live in Salt Lake around Redwood and N Temple. I am so glad to be out of Logan. I just didn't love being so far away with so little to do. I was so depressed, and while I still have rough days, there is now hope in my life.

I think I like working so much because I don't have to confront my loneliness. I am hoping to try to date more somehow. I just feel like I am one of those guys that no one may be into, but I am trying to change my attitude and things in my life so I am more appealing. Hopefully that goes well.

Sometimes I think it is Utah. So many pretty people, I think even guys in my league think they can get better, maybe I am one of those guys who is thinking guys that are out of my league are in my league. Maybe if there someday is a guy who likes me, he will tell me. Oh well, I have work and friends :)

Well, hopefully now that I have internet, I will be better at blogging. And keeping up with blogs.

'Cause i know where i've been

As I was driving to the MoHo party last night, I drove past the apartment that I spent many evenings at. The apartment of the girl I thought I was going to Marry.

This began a period of reflection as I have looked about how much progress I really have made over the last couple of years. What a nice reflection to the normal frustrations of not always being where or what I want to be.

"There is a road we must travel."

I look at the path that is bringing me happiness. The first couple MoHo parties I went to stressed me out so much because I saw so many happy people and I was so confused still and wasn't sure I would ever be able to truly be me. Last night I had so much fun. I was 100% comfortable, and it was something that I liked.

"There's a promise we have to make"

I think I needed last night so for hope, so promise myself to continue to go forward. I am much of a person that believes we are the creator of our own happiness. Before my mission, I went to a meeting for the mission where I lived. One of the missionaries was in his last day in the field after two years serving. He said, with tears streaming down his face, "This is the best day of my mission." This mission president got up and stopped him, and explained how this Elder lived his mission and his life in this respect, making every day the best day, even in sadness or pain.

The promise I make to go forward is to live my life with hope and make every day the best day. "Worth the risk and the chances we will take."

As Miss Maybell sings in Hairspray,

There's a struggle 

That we have yet to win 

Use that pride 

In our hearts 

To lift us up 

Until tomorrow 

'Cause just to sit still 

Would be a sin 

Oh! When we win, 

I'll give thanks to my god 

'Cause i know where i've been

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46NdewMfHAw

What does the future hold?

So, one thing that always seemed to give me hope when I was 100% active in the church was the hope of finding a girl to have a family with then hopefully getting over my "SGA". Luckily, that never happened, because I am learning it is not that simple.

One of my friends said something to the effect of, you are only coming out so you are not alone.

The scary thing is that by coming out, I feel like in some ways, I have even more potential to be alone.

I just wish I was dating, or even could go on a real date. I wish that I was in a place where I could meet people in more natural settings. I am pretty sure I will be in Salt Lake for at least the next 5-8 years, so hopefully in that time I will find someone great.

I just don't know what the future will hold?

Today, I am thankful for life

As good changes are coming, and happiness seems to be more tangible, I am so much more grateful for living.

I am grateful for people that are sad and feel alone, that they continue to live. When they do this, they are there for me, even when they do not know me.

I am so happy than in my lowest points, I still chose to live. I hope this will allow me to be there for others.

This Thanksgiving Season, I am most thankful for the life and lives of those around me.

Coming Home, 1 step backwards = two forward

So, wonderful news. I am moving back to Salt Lake after just about 2 months in Logan. Is anyone looking to rent out a room to me? :)

We here so often that sometimes we need to go in the wrong direction to find the right one and my move to Logan fulfilled that in every way.

I am grateful for the chance I had to take a moment away from life and craziness to find what I need to do.

Lessons learned?

1. Sometimes I get so caught up in helping everyone, I lose focus of what I really want to do.

2. I love my friends, and need to spend much more time with them.

3. Salary is not always a good thing. Actually is almost never a good thing in my history. I am looking forward to a job where I can simply be me, make a difference, and then go home. I got so stressed out the last few months, that I almost stopped functioning all together.

4. Trust myself. Moving to Logan was exactly what I needed. Moving back is also what I needed. Sometimes, I feel like doing crazy things. Most times, they are good for me.

5. Smile. There is so much to be happy for, that if your not, you will lose it. I am so happy I didn't lose my friends all together and I am so glad to some home to them.

So back I come, to my home, where my support is. Now just to find a room to rent.

More on equality

What if your biggest thing in life you worked for was a sticker.

I am at work and overhearing a conversation about how much this poor girl has to do to earn a freaking sticker. IT'S A STICKER!!!!!!!!!!!

People with disabilities are treated so unfair sometimes.

Maybe someday people of all abilities will have the chance for real hopes and dreams. Marriage, a career, friends, and family.

Maybe when the church compares gays to people with disabilities, they also feel like us working for a sticker should be good enough.

Equality and Understanding

So this is more of a two part post.

Equality


When I hear equality, I automatically think of rights going to LGBT individuals and couples. Obviously I see this as something very important in my life and my friends, but when the word seems to be coined to one group, it reminds me of what one of my straight guy friends says.

"I don't think it is fair that gays got the sole rights to the rainbow. I like rainbows, but if I use them, then people think I'm something I'm not [so no a direct quote, but you get the idea]."

So, my thought process is this...If when we work on equal rights for those who need them, we focus on everyone who deserve equal rights.

One example: Depression is a true illness proven time and time again. What if someone asked for some time off from work for depression? Especially if they asked for it because it was causing self harm and interfering with work. Well, I asked that question, and I was told that I would only be allowed to take off for medical appointments.

Let's say someone has a surgery and they are recovering. They could take an easy 6 weeks off with out a blink of the eye and most likely with out anyone asking for a doctors note.

What if they were told well, you could work, you would just have to be in severe pain while at work. You might not be able to perform as well, but we will just hold you accountable for that. Even, if they were told, being at work might slow your recovery, or possibly make it worse.

I feel like this is what I am being told. One of the supervisors I confided in yesterday said I was just using my depression and anxiety as an excuse.

I hope that the GLBT community not only works for their equal rights, but those in other categories experiencing the same denial of rights.

Understanding


So, one thing that I see also too often is when people understand something new, they want everyone else to understand it.

Example: LDS converts are known to make the best member missionaries. They have that "convert fire" to go out and tell all their friends and family, sometimes almost demanding they understand the truth.

I right now and understanding how someone with the medical condition of depression can sometimes be treated unfair.

We as a MOHO community filled with many recently out Mormons understand that rights are not equal and that needs to change. We understand God's love for us for who we are, not what a culture wants us to be. I think because we understand it, we want to hurry and help everyone else understand it quickly and than accept us.

For myself, I am realizing this doesn't always happen. I had 13 years to understand it, and come to my conclusions. These conclusions I came to mostly because they were so close to home. For me to expect someone else to have my same understanding would be unfair.

I am just grateful when people try to understand and love me. Hopefully with in another 13 years the people closest to me will all get it, but I will be patient.