The calm after the storm...

Life has been so crazy with work, coming out, crazy friends, and really everything. I feel oddly calm today. When I felt this calm, I was worried it was the calm before the storm. I am hoping for this to be the calm after the storm. The Logan move starts Wednesday and finishes next week. Then the insanity needs to be over either way.

Melt down moment...

So I was thinking about my blog and how when some people started to read it, I stopped writing it solely for me. I intentionally kept it to myself for months. But then started reading other blogs and sharing mine when it was right. From then on I wrote knowing others would be reading it and in some ways wrote more for a reader and less for me. This morning, I felt as though I should just delete it all, but giving it a day to think about, that would be dumb.

From now on I write for me. I do love the idea of people helping me on my journey, but to really benefit from this great community I have to not worry about what people think, and just throw it out there.

One person that didn't know me summarized me from reading my blog as someone who is very confused. My blog is the one place I don't have to have all the answers and I can be uncertain.

In the real world people know me as someone very put together, and at work in my job I can show no weakness, so it feels good to allow myself to lay out my thoughts to real people who I am not accountable to.

Thanks everyone for encouraging me, for trying to understand me, and help me on this crazy journey. Maybe I am still finding me, but how great is the fact I am looking. Now...I get to go back to blogging for me :)

How do I come out to:

So I need some help and ideas on who to come out to and how...




I have seen some wonderful letter that people have sent to their parents and posted on facebook, but I feel things are a little bit different for me. I have many families I work with on my facebook page. I work with kids with disabilities and in a very conservative world, would rather these families don't know. Also, I am a believer that me being gay is not something the whole world needs to know. The last weird factor is I am the only member of the church in my family. There are days where I think my mom would rather I be gay then Mormon, so telling her would mean a really complex conversation that I don't feel close enough with her to share.



Who have I told? Some of my closest friends, my liberal friends, a few close coworkers, and my lesbian cousin. Who do I still want to know?



• Some of my old and current best friends that I think might judge me? Some are guys that I am really close with and don't want them to think that because I am gay that it means I want their body. Other friends are those from the mission or that know me as an all star Mormon. I am afraid that they only see me as a specific person and if I tell them something other, they will not want to be in my life...Which I know I should not let bother me, but it does.

• One very big category is my Mormon Mom's. These are the people who have "adopted" me and claim I am a part of their family. This is the scariest. I feel so close to these couple women that I really feel they would have no place for me if they knew I wasn't 100% active. I talk to these women less now than in years past, and they do live in California, so I guess they do not need to know. I would just hate for them to find out from someone else.

• I also would like to know how out I should be at work...Enough said

• And then my real mom. I expressed my thoughts of why I am not telling, but when do I tell her and then how. How do I explain why I Mormon, then Gay?

Any thoughts will be appreciated, it is good just to start thinking about it :)

So I must be gay

If I like Glee this much already!

Am I really Gay?

So my best friend called me out over the last few days...He claims I am not really "gay".

Why this topic would even arise?

We were talking about what we would do for someone we were physically attracted to. Many straight and gay men would do a lot for someone they attracted to get something in return. I on the other hand need a lot from someone to be even physically attracted to them. You could line up 100 guys that I had never met, and I could easily rate them based on looks. Some I would simply never be interested in, some, just by their looks, I would want to get to know because it would look like there is something more to them, and some I might think they are so far out of my zone that I would never even think of them on the attraction scale.

Another awkward moment with all this...A guy I have chatted with over the last few months texted me again. We started to rekindle a possible relationship, and then BAM, I remembered where the original problem came into play. He started sending me pictures of himself. He is a very good looking guy, but for whatever reason it bugs me. He then wants pictures of me, which I have sent (all with clothes on, don't worry :)). I just hate that I am not interested in the picture exchange at all, and this is huge for him. Am I really just not sexual at all and really want just friends... Not sure that is it either.

So why is there no guy that just equals instant attraction for me? When someone falls into the I want to get know them category, they have the most potential to be extremely attractive.

I told my friend that I wish I could just be like the majority of guys, and he then said I would be shallow. I guess I am not the average guy, and that's okay. Just one more part of my sexuality that I do not get. Good news it that I won't have a super strong desire to pursue someone just for their amazing bod... bad news... Well, I guess we can skip that bad news and hope for the best.

I am happy for my blog because I don't have to have answers, but at least I can talk it out.

Question - Request for help

Sometimes I get a little crazy with my ideas... So as my last post said, I am moving to Logan. The bad part is, I don't know the area at all. If anyone knows of any rooms for rent up there, could you let me know :)

Thanks!

Moving to Logan

So I like to go against what people want for me I guess. I posted my silly poll of where to go and not a single person (out of the like 3 that took it) wanted me to go to Logan, so off I go to Logan. I will be transferring there so I will have the same job title and pay with less work. 

I look forward to it being a time where I can recharge and become more of a whole person. Take some time for me. Go hiking, meet new people, and enjoy the beauty around.

I will still be coming down to Salt Lake for a couple nights each week. Life should be a new adventure!