Sometimes everything is not okay

I have had some very humbling experiences lately. I sometimes feel like I have accomplished a lot in my little life and try to look at myself as very put together and whole.

These last 2 weeks have shown the tip to a very large Iceberg of problems. I am learning that the codependency, depression, and anxiety that has on and off again ruled my life, the problems I thought I had overcome, are now returning in full force.

Not to complain, but to be open and honest with myself, I admit that there has not been more than a few minutes these last few weeks that I was not ready for everything to be over. Working in the human services field, it hit me today that if someone told me that they are feeling what I am feeling, I would suggest serious consideration of a inpatient program with constant supervision.

I like to pretend like my depression doesn't effect my life, but somehow I was able to open my eyes and allow myself to have perspective, I can see myself sucking at the job I love, destroying my virtue, and even failing at simple things like being able to enjoy the MoHo party which was the only the thing I really looked forward to in September.  I left early because I felt so sick inside and was just done with life. I missed the chance to meet more new people, to reconnect with someone worth while, and then off to sit alone in my room.

It is weird how things have happened. I feel like the last couple weeks I have read so many blogs about people feeling the same way. I was so deep in my crap I couldn't even see I was right there. I wonder if it wasn't for their honesty if I would have found my own.

Good news is, I opted to find a therapist today. Are things okay? Right now, nope, but hopefully they will be.

Again, my goal is not to complain, but to be honest as to where I am for me. Please don't worry about me.

One thing that always takes me back is Adam's Song by Blink 182. I hope to regain the vision of the close of the song

I never thought I'd die alone
I laughed the loudest who'd have known
I traced the cord back to the wall
No wonder it was never plugged in at all
I took my time, I hurried up
The choice was mine, I didn't think enough
I'm too depressed, to go on
You'll be sorry when I'm gone

I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over we'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

I never thought I'd die alone
Another six months I'll be unknown
Give all my things to all my friends
You'll never set foot in my room again
You'll close it off, board it up
Remember the time that I spilled the cup
Of apple juice in the hall
Please tell mom this is not her fault

I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over we'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

I never conquered, rarely came
Tomorrow holds such better days
Days when I can still feel alive
When I can't wait to get outside
The world is wide, the time goes by
The tour is over, I'd survived
I can't wait till I get home
To pass the time in my room alone