Coming out to my cousin

So, when I was at home in California, I came out to one of my favorite cousins.

This is only the second person in my family I have told. The first was a family member who is an open Lesbian and has been for my while life.

It was interesting this visit to tell someone close who was so close growing up and have her accept me for it. I felt like we became so much closer with me telling her.

For the longest time I felt like coming out meant giving up who I was and who I wanted to be. Everyday living a more and more open life I am learning that being gay, sharing who I am, and feeling confident are the very things I needed to be to maintain the things I liked about me and really start growing into what I want to be.

The next person I come out to may need to be my mom. I wonder how that will look?

Story time with Chris - Weakness

On my mission in a couple districts I was in, we had a block set aside know as Story Time with Elder Larson. I love relating stories to life. It makes it easier to go on. So I thought I would share a story that a missionary shared during a spiritual though one dinner appointment. I have been thinking about it a lot in regards to being gay.

One day a boy, who was born without a right arm, decides to take a karate class. The boy was nervous, and because of his disability was not sure he would be able to even participate in this ancient form of martial arts. When he walked in and explained his desires, he was quickly welcomed and taught his first move. He was instructed to practice the move for the hour he was there until it was time for him to return home. The boy did as he was told and returned the next day eager to learn more. When arriving, he was told again to practice that same move again for the day. This became the pattern as everyday for the next few months he was told to practice only this one move.

Finally the boy came in and the instructor asked him if he was confident in this move. The boy replied that he was indeed. With this reply the instructor told the young man that he was entered in the state karate championship. The boy was nervous that he only knew one move, but trusted his master, and arrived for the competition.

The boy started his first match, and by some miracle ended the round victorious. He was shocked and felt like this was a one time lucky shot. Into the next round, he won again. Third, fourth, firth, came with win after win. It was now down to the final match. Like all the others, he won again, now the state champion.

In shock and humility, he went to his master asking how this had happened. The Instructor replied, "In Karate every action has a equal counteraction. For the move I taught you, the counteraction is to grab the right arm."

Ether 12:27
27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their ^aweakness. I ^bgive unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my ^cgrace is sufficient for all men that ^dhumblethemselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make ^eweak things become strong unto them.


Sometime we look at being gay as a weakness when in reality God promises us that he will make weak things strong. I really like thinking about the things I like least about myself being the greatest tools in my life. Understanding them mean that I can get past the feeling weak in them and be happy for them.


I am so happy to be gay. When I think about it, it is what gives me tons of strength and motivation to be happy, to be better, and to love.

Taking my own advice

So, I work at a treatment center with girls who have sexually offended. These girls are drama at times and complain about almost anything the others say. As a staff it can drive me nuts and then I give my talk hoping someday it will sink in. I encourage them to focus on self and have empathy for the one they are mad at. I told one a story of my cousin that shot a man. I asked her to describe what my cousin must be like knowing he shot and killed someone. She gave a typical response, "Wow, really? He must have been awful, mean, evil, just a bad bad person." I then gave her the full story. He is a police officer that had to take one man's life that was trying to take another. Instantly her face changed to a smile with some embarrassment. She had obviously misjudged my cousin not having all the facts. I explained how she did this with her peers and she understood the lesson quickly.

I find that as of late I am doing a lot of fault finding. Some of the great people in my life are the one's that I get the most frustrated with. I need to be better at understanding where people come from.

Tonight, a guy that I met almost a year ago started chatting with me. I had to look up who it was because it had been so long. He was this amazing guy that I spent many nights chatting with and we seemed to have so much chemistry together.  Then he dropped off the radar and I didn't talk with him since May of last year. He had ignored all attempts I had made to contact him. It was so weird. So tonight when he started trying to chat with me I was mad. Really, who does he think he is? But, we chatted anyway, and he had been dating a guy much of this time. Makes more sense why he would back away. It doesn't make his ignoring me right, but I can understand it. This understanding makes it easier for me.

I think maybe I will have a better chance at a relationship when I try harder to see people from where they see.

Why I need a gay family...

Some background...I still have not told my mom I'm gay.

So, I am talking to my mom on the phone today about my uncle's recent death and it hits me...If anything happens to my mom, I have no family left. I lost it a little bit while talking to my mom thinking about no parents, no siblings, close aunts or uncles, grandparents, kids, or a spouse.

When I was stressed my mom expressed that I will have a family of my own and that is where I would find long term happiness. This was the first time my mom has ever said anything about me having a future family.

Maybe that is why I have felt so strong about dating and finding Mr Right. I have the power not only to be happy, but to create a family. This is at the root of everything, my ultimate goal.

Thanks Mom for the encouragement!

Feeling so loved

Lately I am feeling so happy for the feeling of love and acceptance in my life. 

I really was thinking about this at a dinner party I went to last week at this really awesome guy's parent's house. It was the first time I went to a MoHo type party and felt really accepted. I heard one individual share his story of coming to terms and choosing a life that was right for him. It was amazing to hear and made my doubts of some recent choices go away. I loved talking to some old friends and new ones and then hanging with a friend afterwards watching a movie. 

I then had a crazy weekend that involved a very close family member passing away. My straight and gay friends have been so supportive through comments, texts, phone calls, and their support. I am even feeling more support than ever from people at work. 

I guess my fear at this point is that I might lose what I have. I work so much. I hate texting and chat which seems to be the way kids these days communicate. Sometimes I just don't have it in me to reply. I love chatting on the phone, but there barely seems time for that when I am working just under 2 full time jobs worth of hours and going to school. Hopefully those close to me will continue to forgive me as I try to do better.

Thanks everyone for the love, and I hope I can do much much better to give it back!

One Life Ends...Another Begins

Some people who know me or read my blog may think I am very negative. Outwardly this may be true, but if you really got to know me, or confronted me with almost any issue honestly, I think most times I would find some silver lining to every less than great thing.

Well, a year ago today, I had to make the choice to take my father off life support and he passed away a couple hours later. We were not always the closest, but I loved him and I know he loved me. How then do you ask how I find the positive in this? Well, when he died, I took the chance to look at life, specifically my life. I learned a lot about my dad during the weeks that followed, but the biggest lesson I learned from his past was that he was the most happiest when he choose his life. He died very much an alcoholic which defined him. Before that addiction was the only thing he had left, he lived the life he wanted.

With this is mind, I figured I could continue to struggle to find love and acceptance from church members, in the same way, my dad turned to a bottle for happiness. My three goals have always been Service, Love, and Relationships. This was the point that I decided I had to choose to be me, to choose happiness, and not to let anything consume me that would take away my goals. Really had it not been for this, I might not have ever come out to anyone.

I still miss my dad, but I am grateful that I was able to create a new life from his and learn from him, the good and the bad.

More Random Thoughts

Well, life has been busy, and I have so much to blog about...This leads me to more random thoughts.

When I finally started being okay being gay, I go and do something that makes me want to be straight. Overall though each day, I am one step closer to feeling comfortable in my own skin. When it comes down to it...I like being gay.

I feel like I am finally starting to have good gay and Moho friends. Special thanks to Steve-O, David, David, Jessie, Scott, Sarah, Canyon, Brent, and all the other cool people I am meeting.

I am discovering my love for cuddling and sometimes think I would be perfectly happy just with that...No clothes off fun needed.

Dating will be fun, but if I force it, I will end up hurt and empty. It will happen when it will happen.

Work is going really well. Sometimes I don't know how to handle being gay and working in residential treatment. For now, I just hang in the closet while at work. I have lots of practice, so no worries.

I am a people pleaser, but it's just because I care?

I think I am almost ready to come out to my mom...When is the right time.

Church is about to make some kind of come back in my life, just trying to figure out where and when and how.

Maybe someday, I will blog for real, as for now, have a wonderful Sunday :)