Why I need a gay family...

Some background...I still have not told my mom I'm gay.

So, I am talking to my mom on the phone today about my uncle's recent death and it hits me...If anything happens to my mom, I have no family left. I lost it a little bit while talking to my mom thinking about no parents, no siblings, close aunts or uncles, grandparents, kids, or a spouse.

When I was stressed my mom expressed that I will have a family of my own and that is where I would find long term happiness. This was the first time my mom has ever said anything about me having a future family.

Maybe that is why I have felt so strong about dating and finding Mr Right. I have the power not only to be happy, but to create a family. This is at the root of everything, my ultimate goal.

Thanks Mom for the encouragement!

Feeling so loved

Lately I am feeling so happy for the feeling of love and acceptance in my life. 

I really was thinking about this at a dinner party I went to last week at this really awesome guy's parent's house. It was the first time I went to a MoHo type party and felt really accepted. I heard one individual share his story of coming to terms and choosing a life that was right for him. It was amazing to hear and made my doubts of some recent choices go away. I loved talking to some old friends and new ones and then hanging with a friend afterwards watching a movie. 

I then had a crazy weekend that involved a very close family member passing away. My straight and gay friends have been so supportive through comments, texts, phone calls, and their support. I am even feeling more support than ever from people at work. 

I guess my fear at this point is that I might lose what I have. I work so much. I hate texting and chat which seems to be the way kids these days communicate. Sometimes I just don't have it in me to reply. I love chatting on the phone, but there barely seems time for that when I am working just under 2 full time jobs worth of hours and going to school. Hopefully those close to me will continue to forgive me as I try to do better.

Thanks everyone for the love, and I hope I can do much much better to give it back!

One Life Ends...Another Begins

Some people who know me or read my blog may think I am very negative. Outwardly this may be true, but if you really got to know me, or confronted me with almost any issue honestly, I think most times I would find some silver lining to every less than great thing.

Well, a year ago today, I had to make the choice to take my father off life support and he passed away a couple hours later. We were not always the closest, but I loved him and I know he loved me. How then do you ask how I find the positive in this? Well, when he died, I took the chance to look at life, specifically my life. I learned a lot about my dad during the weeks that followed, but the biggest lesson I learned from his past was that he was the most happiest when he choose his life. He died very much an alcoholic which defined him. Before that addiction was the only thing he had left, he lived the life he wanted.

With this is mind, I figured I could continue to struggle to find love and acceptance from church members, in the same way, my dad turned to a bottle for happiness. My three goals have always been Service, Love, and Relationships. This was the point that I decided I had to choose to be me, to choose happiness, and not to let anything consume me that would take away my goals. Really had it not been for this, I might not have ever come out to anyone.

I still miss my dad, but I am grateful that I was able to create a new life from his and learn from him, the good and the bad.

More Random Thoughts

Well, life has been busy, and I have so much to blog about...This leads me to more random thoughts.

When I finally started being okay being gay, I go and do something that makes me want to be straight. Overall though each day, I am one step closer to feeling comfortable in my own skin. When it comes down to it...I like being gay.

I feel like I am finally starting to have good gay and Moho friends. Special thanks to Steve-O, David, David, Jessie, Scott, Sarah, Canyon, Brent, and all the other cool people I am meeting.

I am discovering my love for cuddling and sometimes think I would be perfectly happy just with that...No clothes off fun needed.

Dating will be fun, but if I force it, I will end up hurt and empty. It will happen when it will happen.

Work is going really well. Sometimes I don't know how to handle being gay and working in residential treatment. For now, I just hang in the closet while at work. I have lots of practice, so no worries.

I am a people pleaser, but it's just because I care?

I think I am almost ready to come out to my mom...When is the right time.

Church is about to make some kind of come back in my life, just trying to figure out where and when and how.

Maybe someday, I will blog for real, as for now, have a wonderful Sunday :)

Tears

Tonight was the first night I really felt in a long time. I could feel and I could feel hard, and it hurt so bad. But I could feel, and I cared, and it made me remember that I care about people. The people close to me and I love them. Friendship always has the possibility of ending. I guess I should always be ready for that and continue to look for something for life and beyond.

Thanks to my friends for helping me feel...Even when it hurts.

Options for meeting Mr. Right...

Somedays I miss the good old fashion singles ward that makes dating easy (well easier).

Sadly there is not a Salt Lake City 469th Young Gay Single Adult Ward. This would be a place where you could be spiritually fed, have friends who don't judge your lifestyle (maybe your clothing choice), and the ward activities would help members in peculiar circumstances find their Eternal Companion.

Well, since that most likely will never happen, here are the options I have figured out...

1. Craigslist Personals:

When I first was exploring the idea of dating, I let my eyes wander over to the left side of the Salt Lake City Craigslist ads to see Men Seeking Men. I was somewhat surprised to find not so modest pictures of men from the valley, most not even showing their face. I also learned of new terms that I had to look up on Urban Dictionary. Of Course I thought I would be the exception to what these men were looking for so I posted an ad looking for friendship or maybe a LTR. I braved the waters to find that they were full of trouble that led me to feeling worse about my actions.

So Craigslist and other sites similar fail the test.

2. Online Dating (ex. Yahoo, Compatible Partners, Etc)

So, thinking this might be better I set up my profiles and started chatting. Holy awkward moments batman. I went on a couple dates after much work and paying stupid fees to find guys who didn't know what they wanted.

Dating Online so far is a FAIL!

3. Clubbing

I have not given this one a real chance, but the one time I did go, I felt so uncomfortable. My dad was an alcoholic, so being around people that are wasted is a struggle for me, plus I really suck at dancing so I am not yet confident I will meet Prince Charming while I am so uncomfortable.

Clubbing - Not fully explored but highly skeptical

4. Social Groups

I have heard of groups like simply social and others who just get a bunch of gay guys together to hang and do activities. This sounds like fun if I went with a friend or two.

Anyone have any experience on these groups? I would love to here the pros and cons.

5. Word of mouth

I think I hope that maybe someday someone will set me up with "him". This way seems kind of high school and really takes the power out of my hands, but sure would nice. I figure I am still pretty new to being out so if this is to happen I should given it lots of time.

So I guess I just need to be patient and keep exploring, but if anyone has any brilliant ideas they would like to share, please do.

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

One of my really great friends is a super example to me, and he has been for a long time. Sometimes because we can be so different, I sometimes don't realize how much I learn from him and how there are many things about him that I want to to incorporate into my life.

Some examples:

1. He works to live, whereas I often live to work. Some day I want my job to simply be there to pay my bills, but not something that my whole life revolves around. I think about if I just worked 40 hours a week doing something that payed decent and I somewhat enjoy, I would have so much more opportunity to do the things I really want, like spend time with friends, date, and make a difference in the world.

2. He travels. He is an adventurer which I aspire to be. Right now my idea of a vacation is driving up to Park City alone just to catch my breath for a night. I want to be able to take a month a see many parts of a while new continent, or find long lost friends to enjoy their company.

3. He is not worried about what other people think of his life choices. One of my favorite jobs I ever had was working at Cold Stone. I made much more money than I do now and I had so much fun. For whatever reason I am embarrassed by that. Maybe someday I will own a little ice cream shop and do some counseling on the side and now worry about how crazy that sounds.

This year I want ask a little less of what I think the world needs, and focus more on coming alive.