Why I need a gay family...

Some background...I still have not told my mom I'm gay.

So, I am talking to my mom on the phone today about my uncle's recent death and it hits me...If anything happens to my mom, I have no family left. I lost it a little bit while talking to my mom thinking about no parents, no siblings, close aunts or uncles, grandparents, kids, or a spouse.

When I was stressed my mom expressed that I will have a family of my own and that is where I would find long term happiness. This was the first time my mom has ever said anything about me having a future family.

Maybe that is why I have felt so strong about dating and finding Mr Right. I have the power not only to be happy, but to create a family. This is at the root of everything, my ultimate goal.

Thanks Mom for the encouragement!

Feeling so loved

Lately I am feeling so happy for the feeling of love and acceptance in my life. 

I really was thinking about this at a dinner party I went to last week at this really awesome guy's parent's house. It was the first time I went to a MoHo type party and felt really accepted. I heard one individual share his story of coming to terms and choosing a life that was right for him. It was amazing to hear and made my doubts of some recent choices go away. I loved talking to some old friends and new ones and then hanging with a friend afterwards watching a movie. 

I then had a crazy weekend that involved a very close family member passing away. My straight and gay friends have been so supportive through comments, texts, phone calls, and their support. I am even feeling more support than ever from people at work. 

I guess my fear at this point is that I might lose what I have. I work so much. I hate texting and chat which seems to be the way kids these days communicate. Sometimes I just don't have it in me to reply. I love chatting on the phone, but there barely seems time for that when I am working just under 2 full time jobs worth of hours and going to school. Hopefully those close to me will continue to forgive me as I try to do better.

Thanks everyone for the love, and I hope I can do much much better to give it back!

One Life Ends...Another Begins

Some people who know me or read my blog may think I am very negative. Outwardly this may be true, but if you really got to know me, or confronted me with almost any issue honestly, I think most times I would find some silver lining to every less than great thing.

Well, a year ago today, I had to make the choice to take my father off life support and he passed away a couple hours later. We were not always the closest, but I loved him and I know he loved me. How then do you ask how I find the positive in this? Well, when he died, I took the chance to look at life, specifically my life. I learned a lot about my dad during the weeks that followed, but the biggest lesson I learned from his past was that he was the most happiest when he choose his life. He died very much an alcoholic which defined him. Before that addiction was the only thing he had left, he lived the life he wanted.

With this is mind, I figured I could continue to struggle to find love and acceptance from church members, in the same way, my dad turned to a bottle for happiness. My three goals have always been Service, Love, and Relationships. This was the point that I decided I had to choose to be me, to choose happiness, and not to let anything consume me that would take away my goals. Really had it not been for this, I might not have ever come out to anyone.

I still miss my dad, but I am grateful that I was able to create a new life from his and learn from him, the good and the bad.

More Random Thoughts

Well, life has been busy, and I have so much to blog about...This leads me to more random thoughts.

When I finally started being okay being gay, I go and do something that makes me want to be straight. Overall though each day, I am one step closer to feeling comfortable in my own skin. When it comes down to it...I like being gay.

I feel like I am finally starting to have good gay and Moho friends. Special thanks to Steve-O, David, David, Jessie, Scott, Sarah, Canyon, Brent, and all the other cool people I am meeting.

I am discovering my love for cuddling and sometimes think I would be perfectly happy just with that...No clothes off fun needed.

Dating will be fun, but if I force it, I will end up hurt and empty. It will happen when it will happen.

Work is going really well. Sometimes I don't know how to handle being gay and working in residential treatment. For now, I just hang in the closet while at work. I have lots of practice, so no worries.

I am a people pleaser, but it's just because I care?

I think I am almost ready to come out to my mom...When is the right time.

Church is about to make some kind of come back in my life, just trying to figure out where and when and how.

Maybe someday, I will blog for real, as for now, have a wonderful Sunday :)