Halloween...Reclaiming what is mine

So, when I was a kid, Halloween was my absolute favorite holiday. I loved to be free to let loose and be pretend to be someone I'm not for a day. Over the years, things change, and I became so weird about Halloween. I never felt like I could find a costume that would be okay, and when I would dress up I was so self conscious. 

Now, I feel like I am really on the right track in my life, because I am wearing the most ridiculous costume ever, but it is what I want to be, and I am having so much fun with it.

The last few weeks have been rough, but the night is always darkest before the dawn. When I am doing what I am supposed to do, things get really crazy, almost like there is an adversary trying to prevent me from grasping happiness. In the end though, happiness is waiting.

Well, it may seem small, but the fact I like Halloween this year is huge, so Happy Halloween to everyone. I hope it is good for us all.

Coming out to my mom?

Not yet.

I am an only child, and had lots of time with my mom in California over the last week. I tried to pave the way to tell her. Here are bits of our conversation:

me: Hey mom, I have started seeing a therapist again.

mom: (long pause then) don't the flowers look good I planted?

me: (sigh) yeah mom, great

next day

me: I am really starting to find my path, I am looking forward to things changing.

mom: (another long pause) what should we do for dinner?


Well, I guess sometimes I forget that me and my mom are not real close, but at least I have good friends. Thanks to all the good people on here.

He likes me?

I have had all these ideas and great thoughts come while I was out of town, now it is catch up time...


Yes, He likes me, but no I am not talking about some guy I am into, I am talking about the Savior.

I was talking with my faux mom while in California and we were talking about some of my struggles. She reminded me that Jesus does love me, which to be honest kind of has lost some effect over the years when I hear it, but then she said "He also likes you too". This meant so much more. And it feel true. I am really glad he likes me, even though I may not be perfect.

Another thing on that note. I was talking to a man very close to me. He is married to a woman who is not so nice to him. He has really lost his way and I began to tell him a little bit more about my story so we would have some common ground of not knowing where to go. Then when we both felt broken and beat as far as we felt we could take, I then understood, this is where the atonement comes to play. Things then got much better.

Rain

So I am sitting in my in a classroom waiting for my newest class to begin. It is so peaceful to look out see the clouds and rain. Life has been so crazy and stressful, but between amazing weather and great people in the blogging world, I have a lot to be thankful for. When thinking about that I read Evan's blog and watched the video he posted.  Over all a good day to ponder and just to be at peace. Thanks Everyone :)

I just took this, not the best picture, but now you can see what I see.

"It's Your kindness Lord, That leads us to repentance"

So, I was listening to my Jars of Clay Pandora station today because I have a hidden love for Christian Music. One song came on that really hit me. It is called "Kindness", by Chris Tomlin. One part really hit me while listening...

Open up the skies of mercy
And rain down the cleansing flood
Healing waters rise around us
Hear our cries Lord let 'em rise
Open up the skies of mercy
And rain down the cleansing flood
Healing waters rise around us
Hear our cries Lord let 'em rise

It's Your kindness Lord
That leads us to repentance
Your favor Lord, is our desire
It's Your beauty Lord
That makes us stand in silence
Your love
Your love
Is better than life

We can feel
Your mercy falling
You are turnin our hearts back again
Hear our praises rise to heaven
Draw us near Lord
Meet us here

 Am I sounding a little too Southern Baptist? Well, sometimes, I think other Church's have the love of God thing better down than we do. It really does make me repent more long term when I feel God's love rather than the fear of losing my temple recommend or the oppurtunity to partake of the sacrament to renew my covenants. I do understand the principle of worthiness and support it, but at the same time, I wish we were more focused on feeling God's love no matter what and I think we would change for the right reasons.

I have a friend from work and she is not LDS but "loves Jesus". This girl is so loving even though her road has been rough. She always is there to love everyone and will give the best counsel. I was stressed about money and she said, "Chris, trust God with your money, and everything will work out". This made such an impact versus the normal, "Are you paying your tithing" comment I have received before. They both mean kind of the same thing, but one is about love and the other about simple obedience.

I join with my loving Coworker and say, "I love Jesus, and want to be the best me, for Him."

65 questions...Why not?

1. First thing you wash in the shower?
My hair

2. What color is your favorite hoodie?
Red

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Maybe...Who knows?

4. Do you plan outfits every day?
About 30 seconds before I get dressed.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
Annoyed with my friend on the phone that doesn't get why I want someone to love...ugh.

6. What’s the closest thing to you that's red?
My phone

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
Last night I had som many dreams about work. Both girls I work with in my dream were complaining that I "liked" them and trying to get me fired for it. I then told them I am gay and they wanted me to give them fashion advice.

8. Did you meet anybody new today?
Not today.

9. What are you craving right now?
Peace.

10. Do you floss?
Yes, a few times a week, I need to be better.

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
St Patrick's Day

12. Are you emotional?
Yes, I wear them on my sleeve

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000?
Yes

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
Bite? Really who does that, I just lick it.

15. Do you like your hair?
What's left of it :)

16. Do you like yourself?
I love about half of me.

17. Would you go out to eat with George Bush?
Yes, then if it was at his house, I could go visit my mission.


18. What are you listening to right now?
Wicked

19. Are your parents strict?
Nope, I was strict on them.

20. Would you go sky diving?
Um, with much hesitation and fear, but yes...maybe.

21. Do you like cottage cheese?
Not one bit.

22. Have you ever met a celebrity?
Yes, when I worked out Cold Stone I made ice cream for Jewel and Marie Osmond


23. Do you rent movies often?
I sometimes do redbox, but then get screwed over when I forget to return it.

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in?
Nope

25. How many countries have you visited?
3 (here in the USA, Mexico, and Texas)

26. Have you made a prank phone call?
 Just to coworkers

27. Ever been on a train?
Yes.  All the time growing up when I would visit family
 
28. Brown or white eggs?
White

29. Do you have a cell-phone?
Yes, I use like 6,000 minutes a month I wish it would go away :)

30. Do you use chap stick?
On Occasion

31. Do you own a gun?
My Grandfathers...never used it, but have it

32. Can you use chop sticks?
yep

33. Who are you going to be with tonight?
I wish with Glee, but that will be tomorrow on Hulu. I will just be with my computer watching Heroes to catch up.
34. Are you too forgiving?
Not sure anyone can be too forgiving, but if so, maybe.

35. Ever been in love?
Sadly not yet

36. What is your best friend(s) doing tomorrow?
Which one?

37. Ever have cream puffs?
yes...yuck

38. Last time you cried?
At the last brothers and sisters....Sad, but true
39. What was the last question you asked?
Can you print this for me...My mac wont work with my work printer.

40. Favorite time of the year?
Fall

41. Do you have any tattoos?
Soon I hope

42. Are you sarcastic?
Very much so

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
Yes


44. Ever walked into a wall?
When play racket ball, I ran full on into it, I had only played tennis before. Ouch

45. Favorite color?
Blue

46. Have you ever slapped someone?
No

47. Is your hair curly?
Nope

48. What was the last CD you bought?
Blink's Greatest Hits

49. Do looks matter?
Yes, but only so much. If I weighed 400 pounds would you take me seriously?

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater?
Well if they are a regular cheater...no

51. Is your phone bill sky high?
not too bad for how much i talk

52. Do you like your life right now?
See blog...Sometimes everything is not okay
53. Do you sleep with the TV on?
no

54. Can you handle the truth?
I can, but sometimes it can sting a little

55. Do you have good vision?
Very farsided
56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
no

57. How often do you talk on the phone?
All the time


59. What are you wearing?
Long sleeved polo, brown and white, and jeans

60.What is your favorite animal?
Elephant, at least as a kid it was 

61. Where was your default picture taken at?
A bees game

62. Can you hula hoop?
not well

63. Do you have a job?
I do, working with people with disabilities

64. What was the most recent thing you bought?
Lunch

65. Have you ever crawled through a window?
Many times

Letter to President Monson

So, I have talked a bit to Cadence about the idea of writing church leadership to express my thoughts. Has anyone ever done this? Here is a draft of the letter I am thinking about writing... What do you think? It is a rough draft written late at night, so please forgive any typos...

Dear President Monson,

 

I know that I am supposed to work with through local leaders but sadly they have sent me from Bishop to Bishop when I disclose that I am gay and want to come back. It as though I have a deadly disease and they are terrified that I might spread it though out the ward so they pawn me off to the next, or show no interest in me building a relationship with my God, but simply want to refer me to LDS Family services where I might be fixed.

 

When you were called and sustained to lead the Church of Jesus Christ, my institute teacher, helping us to understand God’s will shared many stories of how you of all of Christ’s disciples truly administer one by one. It is because of this that I petition you for help and guidance. I ask not only for myself, but also for the thousands of others around the world in similar shoes.

 

My brothers and sisters around and including me, that are at what seems to be their very nature, are attracted to people of the same gender, are struggling with strict what not to dos, but very little what to dos. We are told to strictly obey the law of chastity, to live the gospel, not to get married unless we can feel an honest attraction to that member of the opposite sex, and to serve, but that is hard is the church is build around families.

 

What am I to do to feel worthwhile in the church when almost every talk I hear refers to being a good father or finding my eternal companion? Where do I fit in? How do I cope with the feelings of wanting to love someone and knowing that will never happen because the body I am in only will love a man?

 

I am left to know I will never be married, I will not be able to serve a senior mission, I will not be able to be a temple worker past the age of thirty, I will not be able to teach seminary or institute as a single man. I will always be looked at by church members as the weird guy who is single and will not date for unknown reasons. I do know that God restored His Church to be hospital to those who are sick and I am very spiritually ill when I ponder my path. While trying to live the Gospel and be active I am feel almost constant thoughts of ending my life because I cannot be what my leaders want me to be.

 

I know the Lord loves all of His Children and He has a plan for us, so Please President Monson, help us to know what that is, and how we are to survive.

 

With Gratitude and Love,

Chris

Therapy Session 1:

I hear for most people the first few sessions of therapy are mostly bland with no major progress. For me the hour went quickly by establishing who I am and where I come from. It is very clear I am one troubled individual :)

So at the very end he asked me "if you could wake up tomorrow and have things exactly how you would want them, how would that look, feel, and be"?

This was the question that gave me the most anxiety for the following reasons:

If I am allowed to wake up to anything, that means, I wake up to the man of my dreams. The hard part about that is how exactly do I feel about that.

Do I really believe that will happen?

If it did happen what about church?

Am I good enough for that to happen?

All the crazy thoughts about it, but a good question I look forward to finding the answers to.

Sometimes everything is not okay

I have had some very humbling experiences lately. I sometimes feel like I have accomplished a lot in my little life and try to look at myself as very put together and whole.

These last 2 weeks have shown the tip to a very large Iceberg of problems. I am learning that the codependency, depression, and anxiety that has on and off again ruled my life, the problems I thought I had overcome, are now returning in full force.

Not to complain, but to be open and honest with myself, I admit that there has not been more than a few minutes these last few weeks that I was not ready for everything to be over. Working in the human services field, it hit me today that if someone told me that they are feeling what I am feeling, I would suggest serious consideration of a inpatient program with constant supervision.

I like to pretend like my depression doesn't effect my life, but somehow I was able to open my eyes and allow myself to have perspective, I can see myself sucking at the job I love, destroying my virtue, and even failing at simple things like being able to enjoy the MoHo party which was the only the thing I really looked forward to in September.  I left early because I felt so sick inside and was just done with life. I missed the chance to meet more new people, to reconnect with someone worth while, and then off to sit alone in my room.

It is weird how things have happened. I feel like the last couple weeks I have read so many blogs about people feeling the same way. I was so deep in my crap I couldn't even see I was right there. I wonder if it wasn't for their honesty if I would have found my own.

Good news is, I opted to find a therapist today. Are things okay? Right now, nope, but hopefully they will be.

Again, my goal is not to complain, but to be honest as to where I am for me. Please don't worry about me.

One thing that always takes me back is Adam's Song by Blink 182. I hope to regain the vision of the close of the song

I never thought I'd die alone
I laughed the loudest who'd have known
I traced the cord back to the wall
No wonder it was never plugged in at all
I took my time, I hurried up
The choice was mine, I didn't think enough
I'm too depressed, to go on
You'll be sorry when I'm gone

I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over we'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

I never thought I'd die alone
Another six months I'll be unknown
Give all my things to all my friends
You'll never set foot in my room again
You'll close it off, board it up
Remember the time that I spilled the cup
Of apple juice in the hall
Please tell mom this is not her fault

I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over we'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

I never conquered, rarely came
Tomorrow holds such better days
Days when I can still feel alive
When I can't wait to get outside
The world is wide, the time goes by
The tour is over, I'd survived
I can't wait till I get home
To pass the time in my room alone