my gay transistion

Well it's so far been a fun ride finding me, especially over the last 6 months, but I was reflecting on where I have been and thought it would be fun to kinda journal major steps in my journey so far.

13 - I realized I like boys. I found my step sister's stash of x rated movies and after a few views found that I could care less about what the girls looked like, but the boys sure caught my attention.

13-16 - The most time I  spent any family around this time was my Lesbian Causin. She was my hero, not because she was gay, but because she was cool. I would go stay with her and her lover and learned a lot about being gay (at least a lesbian, which is different f course). I never told her I was gay until a couple months ago, and it sounds like she always had her thoughts I might be. 

I was also a peer counselor at this time and worked with kids that were gay, helping them to come out, but never felt like it was the time for me. I so wanted a family. I was an atheist at the time, so there was no wrath of God coming down on gays fear, but it just wasn't the time for me.

16 - My best friend after 2 years of trying to get me to take the missionary discussions, finally succeeded. I really felt a connection with God, and I still feel like joining the church was the right thing to do.  I did at the time feel like this would cure me, and as I lived faithful would fall in love with a woman and get married and have kids.

17 - I graduated high school early and worked at a theme park. I was kinda feeling down about the church a bit because I was the only member in my family and out of high school, and feeling like I needed a change. So this dude (one of those artist guys who draws you into a cartoon) at my work, this theme park, asked me what time it was, leading to a him drawing me, asking me when I knew I was gay? This was so strange because NO ONE had ever even alluded to that before and I am not girly, but that conversation ended me up at his house with an experience making me wish even more that I was not gay.

I ended up working with my bishop and a LDS Family Services Counselor and went on my mission at 19.

19-24 I did the best I could to be the most active I could, sometimes church was constant and I served in callings like the ward clerk and a member of a branch presidency, even a temple ordinance worker, and sometimes, because of work, I would go less often. Overall, I tried...But as the years went by, the more depressing church was and the harder it was to go.

At 24, I found a girl that seemed amazing, she cared for people, and for me, and said she could be married to a man who she didn't have sex with. I thought jackpot and we even went ring shopping. But luckily it didn't work out. It was through that experience that I understood, for me, I could never marry a woman.

Now I am 25 and this has been this year:

March -This is the time where I really understood, through prayer, that forcing myself to be active in the Utah Mormon sense, was distancing myself from God and His Gospel.  I gave myself permission to not go to church. With this moment, peace and love came over me more than it had sense the time I knew that God was real and loved me 9 years prior.

From March until now,  Great people have come into my life. I learned that Heaven and God want everyone there, and I need to choose the path that brings me happiness. It has been great reading blogs over these months, and learning from so many peoples insight.

Now, in this moment, I really feel confident in me, as a gay guy, who has strong a LDS religious background, a relationship with my God, and that is trying to find people like me, who are trying their best to be great, and are gay, and are in this for more than sex.

My future - Like I said, hopefully it will be filled with new found friends, similar to myself. Also, more honesty with all in my life, and someday, finding that special someone to love.