Social Gatherings

Going to parties has always been hard for me. I am always kinda like...give me something to do or a role and I am happy. Going just to meet people just seems so awkward. Maybe because I am always afraid of talking to guys because they might think I am gay. Well, now that I don't care it feels so much more freeing to meet people as me. The who me. I look so forward to more great parties like tonight where I can meet some great new friends. Thanks to all the nice people who introduced themselves to me. Happy Sunday to Everyone...Enjoy!

"I have a dream"

So Scott's last post has made me think a lot. I even had a very open conversation with a very straight friend on the subject which seemed to apply to her just as much if not more to her than me.

While reading comments and thinking, I keep feeling this parallel to the Priesthood revelation. I do know these are very separate issues, but I still can't get it out of my head.  If people didn't talk about equal rights no matter the color of their skin would the world have been prepared for that revelation?

Ghandi taught that we mus be the change we want to see in the world.

If we receive personal revelation that effects how we are to live our lives, then I feel like we can explain that to someone trying to understand our choices. Like on a blog.

If we want the world to be a better place, we must be agents of change.

Sometimes it is saying what we least want to say, doing what we least want to do, what people least want to hear or see us do, that is the most right thing. When we do what we know is right.

"An individual who breaks a law that conscience tells him is unjust, and who willingly accepts the penalty of imprisonment in order to arouse the conscience of the community over its injustice, is in reality expressing the highest respect for the law. "
Martin Luther King, Jr.

I cannot help but think what a change Scott is causing throughout the world through his honesty. He is not telling the world what is right or wrong, but posing his views. This challenges those to ponder, read, and pray. Going to God, and to reason, and to truth. This to find out what is right for them.  

Just as MLK had a dream, so do I. My dream is that people may feel love in their life. That they may know of God's unconditional love for them. I dream that people who are attracted to people of the same sex or the opposite sex may find true love. Free from lies, abuse, and obligation, but full of peace, joy, and goodness.  The world that I hope for and see is one where people would choose life over death and know of their individual greatness.

If we would all dream a bit more and allow for our truths to be heard, I know the world would much more quickly become a better place. Thanks to everyone who has the courage to do this...You are my examples and heroes!

 

Loganside

Last night I was able to attend the Loganside. The experience there was a bit stressful because I got a phone call that was a work emergency about 45 minutes before it was over so I sat in stress wondering what the details were. I couldn't leave because it was very packed and I didn't want to be rude. So that being said, I will comment on the experience before and after. 

The drive.

I was undecided to go or not until the very last minute and booked it up there. I think I knew I need the drive more than the fireside. I put on some Wicked, and was off. As I drove through the canyon, I was over taken by beauty. The rain clouds around with rays of light shining through with so much color. It was simply amazing.

I have kind of had my mind on moving to Logan for whatever reason. This made me want to even more. 

The coolest part as I drove in was that "One Short Day" came on. It was the perfect song...

BOTH:
And I think we've found the place where we belong!



ELPHABA:
So I'll be back for good someday

BOTH:
To make my life and make my way
But for today, we'll wander and enjoy:

Now about the people at the fireside...Ready to see Mr. Judgmental come out...

They were all really cool. Every one said hi, and welcomed me. It is a great group of people. I am not sure the fireside format is right for me right now, but heck, it is great to be with good people.

Fireworks

One of my very favorite things is fireworks. They give me hope. Last night I went to the Bee's game with a friend and were able to go down to the field to watch a great firework show, after a somewhat boring game.

In between flaming ash falling from the sky, I had time to ponder. What would it be like to have someone at my side to watch a firework show that I really love. I always thought if I were to propose to someone, it would be at SeaWorld San Diego. They have a skyride that sails across Mission Bay, and if you time it right, you can float over the water watching the beautiful explosions being shot of from the bay...just you and that someone you love. It would be at the special moment that I would pop the question. So ever since I have thought that, I always become the dreamer when fireworks go off. I love to dream, and hope, and work for the best. Here is hoping the next firework show I go to is with someone I love, or like, who knows... Maybe a 2nd crush that will last more than 2 days :)

my gay transistion

Well it's so far been a fun ride finding me, especially over the last 6 months, but I was reflecting on where I have been and thought it would be fun to kinda journal major steps in my journey so far.

13 - I realized I like boys. I found my step sister's stash of x rated movies and after a few views found that I could care less about what the girls looked like, but the boys sure caught my attention.

13-16 - The most time I  spent any family around this time was my Lesbian Causin. She was my hero, not because she was gay, but because she was cool. I would go stay with her and her lover and learned a lot about being gay (at least a lesbian, which is different f course). I never told her I was gay until a couple months ago, and it sounds like she always had her thoughts I might be. 

I was also a peer counselor at this time and worked with kids that were gay, helping them to come out, but never felt like it was the time for me. I so wanted a family. I was an atheist at the time, so there was no wrath of God coming down on gays fear, but it just wasn't the time for me.

16 - My best friend after 2 years of trying to get me to take the missionary discussions, finally succeeded. I really felt a connection with God, and I still feel like joining the church was the right thing to do.  I did at the time feel like this would cure me, and as I lived faithful would fall in love with a woman and get married and have kids.

17 - I graduated high school early and worked at a theme park. I was kinda feeling down about the church a bit because I was the only member in my family and out of high school, and feeling like I needed a change. So this dude (one of those artist guys who draws you into a cartoon) at my work, this theme park, asked me what time it was, leading to a him drawing me, asking me when I knew I was gay? This was so strange because NO ONE had ever even alluded to that before and I am not girly, but that conversation ended me up at his house with an experience making me wish even more that I was not gay.

I ended up working with my bishop and a LDS Family Services Counselor and went on my mission at 19.

19-24 I did the best I could to be the most active I could, sometimes church was constant and I served in callings like the ward clerk and a member of a branch presidency, even a temple ordinance worker, and sometimes, because of work, I would go less often. Overall, I tried...But as the years went by, the more depressing church was and the harder it was to go.

At 24, I found a girl that seemed amazing, she cared for people, and for me, and said she could be married to a man who she didn't have sex with. I thought jackpot and we even went ring shopping. But luckily it didn't work out. It was through that experience that I understood, for me, I could never marry a woman.

Now I am 25 and this has been this year:

March -This is the time where I really understood, through prayer, that forcing myself to be active in the Utah Mormon sense, was distancing myself from God and His Gospel.  I gave myself permission to not go to church. With this moment, peace and love came over me more than it had sense the time I knew that God was real and loved me 9 years prior.

From March until now,  Great people have come into my life. I learned that Heaven and God want everyone there, and I need to choose the path that brings me happiness. It has been great reading blogs over these months, and learning from so many peoples insight.

Now, in this moment, I really feel confident in me, as a gay guy, who has strong a LDS religious background, a relationship with my God, and that is trying to find people like me, who are trying their best to be great, and are gay, and are in this for more than sex.

My future - Like I said, hopefully it will be filled with new found friends, similar to myself. Also, more honesty with all in my life, and someday, finding that special someone to love.

My first crush...And I am only 25???

So, this almost seems silly, but one of the best things in my little life happened this week. I really found myself liking someone. Just to ruin the story upfront, this crush does not like me back, and it will not go anywhere, but that is not the point. Here is:

So I would always hear straight couples, and some gay ones talk about "love", "crushes", and "liking someone". On and off over the years I wondered if I might just not have a real sex drive because I had never had that in the same way others had talked about. I would see a guy walk down the street and think wow, he is good looking, or that girl in my English class would make a wonderful mom, but never thought, if I could hold him, or date him, or spend the rest of my life with him, everything would be okay. (Note: I know when people have those feelings they somewhat illusion-ed, but I still want them) Anyway, here I am having a meaningful, open, honest conversation with this guy, and BAM it hit me, like a ton of bricks. I was ready to do anything for him. What happened? We have spent a lot of time together recently. We were talking a lot about love between men, and then he opened up, and like a 6 year old on Christmas day, I was overjoyed to receive the best gift ever from him. He shared with me a loving, kind, gentle side of him, more so than I might have ever felt from anyone. And then his normally good looks got greater, his humor funnier, and his heart softer. I was hooked, for two whole days. Then it was all over, and how that happened is not important, but the fact that I felt that way did happen, and I have so much hope it can happen again. Thanks to this person for being him ;)