Sacrifice and Grieving

So, I am choosing to be out. This comes with sacrifice. One of my great friends who is married to a girl and likes guys just kind of kicked me to the curb when I told him I have started dating guys. Yeah, awesome huh? It was pretty hard, but I understand where he is coming from. I knew that's where it would go when I told him. I shed a few tears and pretended to do the grieving thing which I am not good at.

My dad died of Cancer in Feb. of this year. You think I would have grieved, but I just avoided by being strong for my family. I conducted and was the sole speaker at the funeral so I didn't have to be the person missing my dad. I could just have permission to hold it together while we spread my dad's ashes across the Pacific Ocean. In reality though I never gave myself the time to relize that I never was able to grow close enough to my dad to go on that camp out we talked about the last time I saw him walking around. I never felt close enough to him to want to tell him I liked guys. I never really let myself be me to him or feel the pain that the chance is gone is this life.

I always let myself feel the little things, but never the big things. Now it will switch, time to allow myself to grieve, to love, to engulf life, while letting little things pass, not affecting me.