Sacrifice and Grieving

So, I am choosing to be out. This comes with sacrifice. One of my great friends who is married to a girl and likes guys just kind of kicked me to the curb when I told him I have started dating guys. Yeah, awesome huh? It was pretty hard, but I understand where he is coming from. I knew that's where it would go when I told him. I shed a few tears and pretended to do the grieving thing which I am not good at.

My dad died of Cancer in Feb. of this year. You think I would have grieved, but I just avoided by being strong for my family. I conducted and was the sole speaker at the funeral so I didn't have to be the person missing my dad. I could just have permission to hold it together while we spread my dad's ashes across the Pacific Ocean. In reality though I never gave myself the time to relize that I never was able to grow close enough to my dad to go on that camp out we talked about the last time I saw him walking around. I never felt close enough to him to want to tell him I liked guys. I never really let myself be me to him or feel the pain that the chance is gone is this life.

I always let myself feel the little things, but never the big things. Now it will switch, time to allow myself to grieve, to love, to engulf life, while letting little things pass, not affecting me.

Full of happiness

It is a good day. Today I recieved some hope that I can be wanted and loved.

Part of me wants to go on forever on how and why, but the bigger part of me just says I have hope!

What a WICkED life!

So I am a little crazy for a few things. One of these things would be a good musical. As I was listening to the soundtrack of Wicked, a few things stood out as things I felt good about. Here are some lyrics.

Dancing through life is a fun song that is not 100% in sync with my views, but really sometimes, shouldn't we just live and not worry???

The trouble with school is
They always try to teach the wrong lesson
Believe me, I've been kicked out
Of enough of them to know
They want you to become less callow
Less shallow
But I say: why invite stress in?
Stop studying strife
And learn to live "the unexamined life":

Dancing through life
Skimming the surface
Gliding where turf is smooth
Life's more painless
For the brainless
Why think too hard?
When it's so soothing
Dancing through life
No need to tough it
When you can sluff it off as I do
Nothing matters
But knowing nothing matters
It's just life
So keep dancing through

Dancing through life
Swaying and sweeping
And always keeping cool
Life is fraught-less
When you're thoughtless
Those who don't try
Never look foolish
Dancing through life
Mindless and careless
Make sure you're where less
Trouble is rife
Woes are fleeting
Blows are glancing
When you're dancing
Through life:

Defying Gravity

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!



I'm through accepting limits
'Cuz someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!
I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down:
And I say "world - come with me. Think of what we could
do: together."